Myocardium

Part 13

 As soon as I come home, I take another shower, with the angry frown probably frozen on my face through it all. I mean, come on, why the hell would I say something against him in court? First of all, I know how important his job is. No need to make life hard for a literal lifesaver. Second of all, I would never start any argument in court when I know that I'm still my siblings' caretaker. 

Can't he just understand that I need my job to save lives too? Hell, I'm confused and angry and terrified about everything, especially him. What am I supposed to do next? I can't trust anyone with this. Who knows, maybe he's already ratted me out. Maybe in a minute or two, some goddamn SWAT-team will show up and arrest me.

My siblings' presence make it a bit better, they distract me a bit. I need them, they need me. For them, I'll be strong and push through until I find my way, whatever that might be. All the way to school, I'm thinking about the things he's said. It makes me feel even more on edge, remembering what he's demanding me to do. I told him I'll figure something out. What the hell is there to figure out?

Today, we'll have our lesson with him right in the morning, before physics and maths. At this point, anything other than hoping he won't do something irrational is beyond my power anyway. My mind is tired so damn tired from all the overthinking so is my body. The fact that the drugs haven't fully worn off yet doesn't exactly add to my amazing condition either. During his class, I try my best to stay hidden in my seat, even attempting to take some notes. 

"Good morning", with these words spoken so enthusiastically, he enters the room and gently lets the door fall shut behind him, making everyone look up from their phones or books. Every now and then, his eyes meet mine and I have this strange urge to talk to him again and ask for his advice, despite how he treated me last night. 

He's the one who wants me to quit after all, maybe he knows what I can do? It's not like this thought isn't dumb, him and I are leagues apart. Last night, he's shown me that he doesn't care in the slightest, and honestly, I'm not even surprised. Why would he care? His career is important to him, money probably is too, but not some stupid, fucked up kid.

I have to give him that though, his lectures are as interesting as they can get for us and he has everyone's respect and admiration. You can tell by looking at him how much of a smart and successful person he is. Then there's me, the freaking drug-addicted prostitute with this foolishly unreachable dream. Fun times.
It makes me angry at myself, I am wasting my life. If it was just easier to get out of there, trust me, I would. Maybe I won't ever be able to escape. Maybe this is my fate.

During lunch break, people are wandering around the school as always. Me, on the other hand, I am hanging around in the classroom by myself. This solitude and I kind of have a love-hate-relationship. As much as I yearn for another human being to give me love and affection like I haven't experienced before, I also appreciate not having to see all these people and not having to put up with all the drama that comes along with it. 

Eventually, I get up to grab a little snack from one of the vending machines in our hallways. As I'm on my way there, a boy named Ben, aka one of our major's biggest assholes walks past me and intentionally elbows me, causing me to bump into other students.
"Hey, watch where you're going, faggot!", he shouts and makes me turn around, as well as everyone else in the hallway. No, no, NO. This time, I'm not going to let him defeat and belittle me. Fuck pacifism, I need peace for my own mind.

In disbelief, I stare at him and speak up confidently, "The fuck did you just say?!"
My sudden change of attitude catches him off-guard, his jaw drops in surprise.
"Playing tough, huh? No wonder everyone hates you so much, you're fucking weird", he keeps laughing at me. At this point, I snap and push him back with force, "Don't fucking mess with me."
Once again, he laughs and forces me against the wall behind me. Now, we have all the present students' attention, everyone's whispering and watching the show.