Myocardium

Part 37

The sleep I get tonight is the most calmest, deepest one I ever recall having, even excelling the night prior. I wake up at 5, or, to be more precise, I am being woken up by the alarm clock that suddenly doesn't seem like its sole purpose is being a nuisance anymore. 

At some point while sleeping, Raf and I both shifted positions, so that I gain back my still dazed conscience while lying on my belly, with my face buried in the crook of my elbow and Rafael's hand resting laxly on my back.

As soon as the alarm goes off and I become aware of my surroundings, I turn my body towards his, taking in the angelic beauty of his idle face, mesmerized by the perfect synchronization and craftsmanship of every pore on his flawless skin.

It takes a few moments until Rafael notices the movement within his lifeless embrace and slowly begins stretching out his limbs as he yawns, gaining a drowsy but content smile from me.
"Good morning," I whisper towards him, making sure I don't expose him to my morning breath. Another second later, Rafael's attention's all mine as I am enchanted to hear his attractive morning voice as he responds sweetly," Good morning." 

His lips distort into a mild simper as he pulls his legs towards his chest at an angle. His warm hand sets to move under the blanket before it comes to a stop as it is resting lightly on my shoulder. 
"Did you sleep well?"

Without the need to think twice, I nod enthusiastically, speaking my words clearly, "How could I not have with you so close to me?"
Right after blurting out what felt so natural a second ago, there comes the regret held in an armlock by the revelation that this statement might be an overkill. 

Rafael discerns the doubtful reaction to my own words and makes his best efforts to confirm that I am not actually going insane, saying, "Good to know I'm not the only one thinking that way. Hell, I could stay here all day."

"That would actually be really nice," I let out a relieved sigh and place my hand on his cheek, stroking my thumb across his soft skin. Oh, how I wish these few minutes we spend in this exact moment would last longer. With a deep exhale, I attempt to sit up straight once I catch sight of the lit-up alarm clock on the bedside table behind Rafael , indicating that it'll be time for me to leave soon.

"How about I brew some coffee while you get ready?", Raf suggests and rolls onto his back with a groan, slipping his hand between the pillow and the back of his head. The eyes he watches me sit up with become strangely intimidating for his question being so benign.

"Sounds great. Thank you so much, Rafael," I accept the offer, stretching my back as I stumble out of his room with Rafael's eyes glued to me. The moment I sensed his arm on me when I woke up, I could feel that today would be better. Now, I know it too. 

My brows furrow as I memories from the night before come pouring down on me. They're pleasant, but I can't deny my churning stomach as I remember what I promised Raf. Now I have no more excuses to stay in this state I'm in. Even worse, I have someone who'll hold me accountable for my words. I don't want to disappoint Rafael. Hell, I am more than willing to put in all the work it takes to get out of this torment. 

Whether it's the drugs, the self-harm, the starving or the job, I will fix it, step by step. If only I knew where to start, really. 

My tired self is looking back at me from the mirror, mouthing "You got this" before I bend over the sink to wash the sleepiness off my face. Quietly audible movement from the other side of the bathroom door catches my attention. A muffled noise comes from Rafael, who I assume to have stubbed his toe on some object, judging by the groan that follows the thump.

My breath hitches in an attempt to detect any follow-up reaction from him, but I let it go and resume my routine when nothing but silence ensues. Yes, I know, drinking coffee after brushing my teeth is disgusting, but I am in such a great mood right now, this insignificant inconvenience can't even bother me.