Myocardium

Part 10

 As soon as I'm back home, I check on Sasha and Daisy, who are both sound asleep, then lie down in my bed, staring at the ceiling for a while, thinking.
"What am I gonna do?", I whisper to myself and bury my face in my hands, "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck."

I'm a mess, more than I've been in a while. Damnit, I promised not to let myself go so much again. In the dimmed light coming from outside, I look at my arm, clearly seeing the bruise on it. Gently, I let my middle- and index finger glide over the skin. No bumps, no concerning amount of swelling. Still, just the bruise, good. 

Should I skip classes? At least for those three days, just so I can see him again one last time? That's all that I need, just listening to him talk about himself once more. I need this one last reassurance that not all customers of mine are cold, perverted monsters. That there's still people with a soul out there. I am aware that this is the most I can expect from someone like him, everything that goes beyond that would count as being straight up delusional. I'm screwed one way or the other. 

After a while of simple thinking, I conclude that playing truant will only make things worse for me grade-wise, I really need to keep up. Since I have no other option, I begin waking up the kids while preparing breakfast. Finally, food.
"You're eating!", Daisy shrieks excitedly as we're all having breakfast together and I'm chomping down on some toasted bread with guacamole ravenously. At least I'm genuinely hungry now, dare I say even enjoying the food. That's a good sign, plus, my siblings see me eating and they're happy about it, so it's all good.

Next thing I know, the kids are out the door and, in a panic, I genuinely begin irrationally considering dyeing my hair. What am I, stupid?! Yeah right, as if that will stop him from noticing me. Nothing is going to stop him from noticing me. Even if, because of some miracle, he isn't able to recognize me today, he sure will tomorrow, or the day after. I know what's coming and am still hoping for it not to become reality.

My heart is beating against my ribcage with such force that I think I'll have a heart attack as I'm pulling into the school's parking lot and park my car in one of the bays for students. To calm myself down a bit, I observe everything around me and try to put my focus on every tiny detail, like the few orange leaves falling from the big willow tree behind our school. It helps me a bit and for only a moment, my palms stop sweating as much. While trying to keep calm, I look down at my left wrist and run my thumb over the little bracelet on my wrist. Come on, Eli, you gotta be strong...for them.

Surely, this little moment of peace doesn't last too long and is interrupted by my runny nose shortly after. Where does that come from?! Strange. After cleaning my nose, which doesn't seem to stop running, I finally take one last breath, grab my backpack and get out of the car. My legs are almost too weak to support my tired body. 

With trembling knees and my hood pulled down deeper over my face to avoid any unwanted eye-contact, I walk towards the classroom when, suddenly, I hear someone say my name, "Elijah. Do you have a moment for me?" The annoying voice I hear belongs to my chemistry teacher. Woman almost causes my poor heart to rupture and explode. Abruptly, I turn in the direction of the voice and pull the hood off my head completely, so I don't seem impolite, straightening my tense posture in the same motion.

"Of course, what would you like to talk to me about?", I ask her in a friendly way and force myself to smile, so she can't read my nervousness.
"Oh, I just thought I'd check in on you. The assignment you handed in last week was phenomenally written, I must say", she tells me as I look behind her and panic when I see someone of the same silhouette as him walking away into the other direction. 

Is it him? Did he see me? Okay, Eli, it's okay. Don't act suspicious now, you're all cool.
"Thank you, I'm trying my best and I'm glad that my work's appreciated", I reply and am quick to end the little amount of small talk so I can head to class.