Myocardium

Part 10

As soon as I'm back home, I check on Sasha and Daisy, who are both sound asleep, then lie down in my bed, staring at the ceiling for a while, thinking.
"What am I gonna do?" I audibly whisper to myself and bury my face in my hands.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck."

I'm a mess, more than I've been in a while, despite promising not to let myself get as bad as I used to be.

And now? Now I'm even worse. 

Great. 

Under the dimmed light protruding my room from the outside, I look at my arm, clearly detecting the dark shades of the bruise on it. Gently, I let my middle- and index finger glide across the skin in the crook of my ellbow. No bumps, no concerning amount of swelling. Still, it's just the bruise. 

Good. 

At least one problem's not due for solving today. 

If only there wasn't this thing with this stupidly annoying man. 

Should I just skip his course? At least for that one lesson we have scheduled with him within the next three days, just so I can see him again one last time without the judgement and terror that is bound to ensue? 

That's all that I would need, just this one last reassurance that not all customers of mine are cold, perverted monsters. That there are still people with a soul out there. 

This is the least I am allowed to ask from him. It's the most withal. 

Playing truant will only make things worse for me, especially since my biology professor has been warning me that I really need to keep up in his class. Since I have no other option, I begin waking up the kids while preparing breakfast. 

Finally, food.

"You're eating!" Daisy shrieks excitedly as we're all having breakfast together and I'm chomping down on some toasted bread with guacamole ravenously. At least I'm genuinely hungry now, dare I say even enjoying the food. 

That's a good sign, plus, my siblings see me eating and they're happy about it, so it's all good.

Next thing I know, the kids are out the door and, in a panic, I begin irrationally considering ways of changing my exterior to remain undercover. 

What am I, stupid?

Yeah right, as if a different hair color or certain outfit changes will stop him from noticing me.

Truth is, nothing is going to stop him from noticing me. 

Even if, because of some miracle, he isn't able to recognize me today, he sure will tomorrow, or the day after. 

I know exactly what will happen and yet I am still hoping for it not to become reality.

My heart is beating against my ribcage with such force that I think I'll have a heart attack as I'm pulling into the school's parking lot and park my car in one of the bays for students. The pressure of my pulse cinches my throat tight, making it terribly difficult to take deep, steady breaths.

To calm my nerves, I try to put my focus on every tiny detail of my surroundings, like the few orange leaves falling from the big willow tree behind our school. It helps me a bit and for only a moment, my palms stop sweating as much. While trying to keep calm, I look down at my left wrist and run my thumb over the little bracelet on my wrist. 

Come on, Eli, you need to be strong.

For them.

The little moment of peace I share with myself doesn't last too long and is interrupted by my runny nose shortly after.