Myocardium

Part 34

While Rafael answers some questions posed by other students, my eyes drift and focus on the grey landscape outside the building instead. It has gotten a bit foggy, but the silhouettes of the cars, bushes and other various objects are still visible. 

A flood of inexplicable guilt washes over me suddenly.

Rafael truly doesn't deserve to bear my anger when he is not its source and he doesn't deserve to feel like he's in the wrong when it's just my projection of fears that's faulty. It is not fair. 

As hard as I try, I can't forget about what happened between us, and as truthfully as I would like to not do so, I am still holding grudges about it. Deep down and kept quiet thanks to all the good things he has been redeeming himself with, that is. 

Rationally, I know that when it comes to Rafael, the good deeds outweigh these few negatives I only even remember when seeking for them in the deepest depths of my messed-up mind. 

Subconsciously, I reach for the little black charm on my necklace, tracing the small, majestic dragon with my index finger as I hold it gently. I begin wondering how this thing between us looks from Rafael's view, how he thinks about me. 

Could it really be so very different from what I'm feeling?

Of course, there are still these stupid, intrusive thoughts of immediate distrust telling me he only does it out of pity or he just hangs out with me to eventually take advantage of me. I know that will not happen, that Rafael would never do anything to purposefully hurt me, but these are thoughts that live in the back of my mind constantly.

They're like parasites, as much as I try getting rid of them, I just can't. And that only out of the simple reason that another question always stays in my head: What if they're right? 

Ugh, I hate the way my mind works sometimes.

"Alright, then. I appreciate you listening a lot, I really hope I'm not doing too bad of a job at making things a bit clearer for you. Those of you ho care to join, I'll see you guys on Friday. If not, have a good rest of your week," Rafael finishes off his lecture as he packs up his suitcase and leaves the room, taking the feeling of safety away from me the very second he leaves my sight.

Fuck, I totally forgot about bio-lab. 

Thinking back to what happened last week, I know better than to fall behind the rest of the crowd and end up on my own again. No fucking way am I going to take a step down that corridor all by myself.

Instead, now being a lot smarter and more cautious than before, I make sure to grab Mrs. Audrey's attention on our way to the lab, engaging in some student-professor conversation about the topic at hand to not make it seem suspicious.

At least something seems to play out well for me today: Ben and his buddies are nowhere near. Still, I shall never let my guard down ever again. I saw what happened last time I did after all. The same plan stands for the end of our lesson, I will make sure not to be left alone or hang back.

My chances of continuing to exist seem to look great at first, considering all scalpels and other sharp paraphernalia are now locked away for safety reasons. Finally, some damn measures are being taken. 

I hate that I have to see these low standards as a silver lining. 

My plan works out perfectly fine this time, and I manage to stick with the mass when walking through the building and across the campus. 

Once I have safely made my way to my car, I start the vehicle and give the engine a bit of time to warm up as I check my phone, stoked about the fact that I have yet again received a message.