Nothing But Each Other (book 2. of Nothing But Trouble)

32) WCKD's Request

I should be strictly reading. I know that, but I can't process anything yet. I just have to get it all out.

Adjusting my scarf back over my face, when I was sure it would stay I got out the other journal and pen. Opening it to the next page, I just started my usual rambling.

Dear journal,
We kissed. We kissed, and that's all I really know how to say. A simple game of asking personal questions turned into more.

He asked about the changing. He wanted to know, and I told him. I told him so much. I tell him everything.

Except that I love him. For some reason, I can't get that right.

I told him about who I was. Because it's different from who I am currently, I was just trying to say that I didn't think he would have really liked that girl. Because that's all she is. That girl isn't me. Something inside of me died that day. Not just died, but was killed.

Anyways, back to the point. I was trying to explain she wasn't someone I could see him hanging out with, and he just leaned over and kissed me. It was so overwhelming that I actually cried. I'd like to believe I'm not much of an emotional person, but that was an emotional moment. I had genuine tears and a genuine smile, and I swear I felt him smile back. I swear I could feel his happiness against my skin.

It was perfect. It was perfect in every way. It was something I could never forget. It was my very first kiss, and it was with the boy I'm in love with.

Today though, Newt said bloody. He wasn't referring to actual blood. He used it in a place really would be, and that made me think of something. I don't know what, but I have to find out. If I don't, I'll go crazy. I won't be able to think or focus on anything but that. Not knowing things bothers me so much that I get actual headaches. The longer I live without figuring this out, the worse I'll get until it's an obsession.

He hasn't seen me like that. He doesn't know how bad that side actually is, and I can't let him. Even though he said he wants all of me, this is different. This is just concerning, and I don't want him to be concerned.

So yeah. After that, it was the same old story. Something happened, something got in the way, and we don't know what to say.

I know. Promising.

Bye for now,
Y/N

Closing it, I sighed as I opened the other one, ready to find out whatever the secret is, if there's anything to find out.

There has to be. If there isn't, I'll actually lose my mind, and everything that happened will have been for nothing.

Dear journal,
Flora actually convinced Beth to play cards with us. It was weird, because she usually keeps to herself, but it wasn't bad. She goes silent when she loses, but there are worse reactions.

I ended up eating dinner alone again. I don't know why. It's just that sometimes being here drains me so much that I have to tune the world out. There's so much I want to do and see and be. There's so much more to me than what WCKD lets me show. It's like they want to push down every bit of individuality we have. Maybe so we all fall in line and never think for ourselves.

I'll never do that. I will not be like Thomas and Teresa. Ever. It doesn't matter what they promise. I will never, ever be on their side. I've seen the pain they put my friends through, and I won't be a part of that. I would die before hurting them.

Those are the only important words I have today. Those are the only things I need to say.

Y/N