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I hardly slept at all last night. By time I got back to my apartment it was 3:30am, which usually means I'd hop right into bed and be asleep by 4, but not last night. Last night I got back home and got ready for bed like I usually do, hopped into bed and then laid awake for what felt like an eternity. My mind wouldn't shut off, it kept replaying the conversation I had with Tony over and over again, and when I would finally stop thinking about it I'd start thinking about why I left, my mind torturing me with the details of it. By time I fell asleep it was almost 7am, which means I got a measly 5 hours of sleep. Because of this, I make sure to put some makeup on before I go to meet Tony so that I actually look decent for him.

Tony is already waiting for me by time I get there which surprises me. The Tony I know gets to things just on time, not minutes earlier, and he definitely doesn't wait around for people.

"Hey." he says. A smile small finds its way to his face but it's clear that he's feeling the same nervousness that I am. It's not like there's a manual on how to feel and act when you see your spouse again for the first time in six months, right? 

"You're early."

"Yeah, well, I know how you like to show up to things 10 minutes early so I figured I'd do the same." he says. "Do you want to, like, walk or something?"

I nod. "Yeah, sure. There's this coffee place I go to sometime just a couple streets down. If you want we can grab something there?"

"Yeah, okay." he says.

"So." I say as we start walking down the street. "How'd you find me? Jaime?"

"I bet you've been dying to ask that."

"Not really, I kinda figured Jaime would tell you eventually where I was, i just didn't think it'd be so soon."

"Jaime didn't give you away. I didn't even know he knew where you were." Tony says. "You used our credit card the other day. I traced it."

I fucking knew I shouldn't have used it. I was at a hardware store buying a new showerhead to replace the tiny, weak one at my apartment, when I realized I had swapped my wallet out the other day and didn't have any of my own cards with me. The only card I had was Tony and I's credit card we got together when we opened up a joint bank account. I didn't have enough cash on me to cover the amount of the showerhead and I didn't feel like coming back on a different day, so I used our card, telling myself one purchase wouldn't tip him off. 

"You didn't think to text me and warn me that you were going to show up?" I ask him. 

"Would you have stayed here if I had?" he asks with a weary smile on his face. 

I think about it for a second. "No."

"Exactly."

We walk quietly together, neither of us sure what to say in this moment. Part of me wants to tell him he shouldn't have come at all and that he should leave Texas on the next flight available, but the other part of me wants to throw my arms around him and hold onto him and never let go again. After all, he is my husband.

We reach the coffee shop that I adore, The Brew and Breakfast, and step inside, Tony opening the door for me as always. There's a mix of people sitting down here, some students who are working hard on essays, drinking black coffee to power through. There's a couple sitting pretty much on top of one another in the far back corner, paying attention to only themselves. There's a handful of people in their 50's, seemingly catching up after not seeing one another for quite a while. Then there's Tony and I, estranged husband and wife who don't even know how to talk to one another.

"What do you usually get?" Tony asks me, pulling my attention away from the people and back to him. 

"Oh, um, an iced caramel macchiato." I say. 

I start to ask Tony what he'll get to drink, and just like that another memory slams into me. I think back to the first night he slept over and the next morning when I made him coffee. He told me he takes it black with sugar, and I remember thinking it was super gross. I thought over time he'd eventually start drinking better coffee, but two years into our marriage and he was still drinking it black with one sugar.

As expected, Tony orders my coffee then gets his black coffee. After he places our order he turns and smiles at me, completely unaware of the flashback I'm having. I toy with the idea of telling him, but before I can, our coffee is ready. We each grab ours then head back out the door and onto the hot Texas streets.

"Do you like it here?" Tony asks me.

"What? What do you mean? The coffee shop?" I ask, confused.

"Texas. Do you like living here?"

"Oh. Um, yeah, I guess. It's lively, that's for sure. The weather's kind of the same which is nice too, and I like the food."

"Yeah, we've always had a fun time here on tour." Tony says.

"Yeah, Jaime's told me." I say with a forced smile.

I allow myself to sneak a glance over at him. He still has that tired look on his face, but it's not as bad as it was yesterday. His hair has grown out a little in the last six months. I'm surprised to find that I actually quite like it. I'm even more surprised that I let myself admit it. Overall, he looks good. He looks like my husband, but he doesn't feel like it.

"We should probably get into it." Tony says.

"Into what?"

"You know, the talk." he clarifies. "Everything that happened."

"I don't really want to go into the details of it all." I say quickly.

"So, what do you want then? To pretend like nothing happened?"

I roll my eyes. "No, but maybe we can ease into it or something, I don't know."

"So, you don't want to talk about it?"

"No, I do-"

"Then let's talk about it!" he says, his voice louder than usual. 

"I'm not ready." I mumble.

"Alia, I know the situation at hand is shitty, but not talking about it is making it worse. Okay? Do you think I wanted to have to track down my own wife using credit card statements? Do you think I want to be in Texas with you instead of at our home in San Diego? No, I don't want any of this, but if we keep postponing the issue then we won't ever fix it."

"Maybe I'm not ready to fix it yet." 

"So, you want this to be done?"

"No, I'm just... I'm not ready to fix things. I don't know how else to say it."

"What will it take then?" he asks with a frustrated sigh. "Because I'll do it, whatever it is."

"Then give me time."

"Ali-"

"No, seriously. If you want me to be ready to talk then give me time. You showed up here not even 24 hours ago and you want to talk through everything you did-"

"Everything I did?" Tony asks, exasperated. "What about what you did?"

I stare at him, opened mouthed. "I didn't do anything!"

Tony rolls his eyes at me. "Oh, come on, Alia, you're really going to pretend like you did nothing wrong here?"

"I didn't do anything!" I yell. "And I really, really don't want to have this talk with you, especially if it's going to be like this."

I'm so mad right now I could scream. Tony tracks me down on a random Wednesday night then keeps bothering me to talk our issues through, and then is insinuating that somehow this whole situation is my fault even though he's the one who fucked up and jeopardized our relationship? Fuck that.

I quickly turn away from Tony and pick up my pace, eager to get as far away from him as humanely possible. 

"Where are you going?" he calls after me.

"Anywhere you're not." I call back as I keep going. 

I walk as quick as I can all the way back to my apartment. I only turn back when I get to my apartment door to make sure Tony isn't behind me, which luckily he isn't. I let myself into my place and immediately beeline for the bed, burrowing myself deep down in blankets as I cry, letting out all the pain that's inside my broken heart.

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