Stained Glass Eyes and Colorful Tears

15

For the first time since Tony arrived in Texas, I've sought him out to talk. Usually, he'll come find me or text me, but this time I reached out first. After our giant fight the other day, I figured I wouldn't have heard from him for a while and even though not seeing him sounded great, I know that I need to get these words out now or else I might never.

Unsurprisingly, Tony agreed to come over as soon as I texted him. It took him all of ten minutes to get here and the poor guy looks fucking stressed as he sits on my living room couch, clutching his coffee cup from that cafe I brought him to the first day we hung out in Texas.

"I'm glad you texted me." he says, his tone light. "After the other day I didn't think you'd want to see me again."

"Yeah, well we need to talk, so, I figured it was better to just do it now anyway." I say with a tense smile.

"Alia, about the other day-"

I hold a hand up to stop him. "No, don't. You said what you said, you can't take it back now."

"I know. I wanted to apologize for saying it the way I did. It wasn't fair on you. I just got so worked up and the words came out, but I shouldn't have said it, especially not in the way I did."

My heart aches upon hearing this. I wanted him to say that it was all a lie and that he didn't get close to fucking someone who wasn't me. I would've even settled with hearing that the whole thing was a giant lie just to test me or something, anything to make this situation actually go away would be a gift. But that's not going to happen, so I have to do what I have to in order to protect myself.

I take a giant breath in for courage, then let the words spill. "I want you to go home."

Tony looks at me confused. "You want me to leave here? Leave Texas?"

I hardly hesitate. "Yes."

Talking with Jaime the other day made me realize that even if I want to trust Tony again, and I really, really want to, I won't be able to do it when I know in the back of my head that he still has to go and work with the woman he was with. I need it to be done for good before I can make progress towards my relationship with my husband, and the longer he stays here, the longer it takes to complete the album.

"Alia, if I leave..."

"What? If you leave, then what?" I ask angrily. "You're going to divorce me and go hookup with Anna again?"

"I don't want her!" he yells in frustration.

Tony is a very, very patient man. He hardly ever raises his voice or loses control of his emotions, but right now is another one of those rare times where he's reacting rather than responding to the situation at hand.

"You sure as fuck look like you wanted her when you were kissing her! Or when you were texting her on a nightly basis, Tony."

"I told you it was a mistake!" he yells. "A one-time mistake! It'll never, ever happen again. Ever! I don't want anyone else; I just want you. I want my wife."

"How can I trust that when you didn't even tell me you're still working with her?" I yell back.

I see his face falter for a second as he registers that. He purposely didn't tell me that he was still in contact, let alone working one on one with her, but much to his demise I still found out.

"Alia." he says softly, his voice back to it's normal volume. "I have a contract, I-"

"I know." I say sharply as I cut him off. "I know you can't just fucking break it, okay? I get it, but what the fuck do you want me to do? You want me to act like I'm okay with you working with her and that it doesn't bother me? Because we both know I'll never be cool with it, and we also know you can't break the contract, so what the fuck should we do here, Tone?"

He looks at me helplessly, those dark eyes filled with pain. "I don't know." he mumbles softly.

"Yeah, I figured as much." I say. "It's a shit fucking situation and I'm not willing to go back and be in the middle of it."

"Then I'll break the contract. I have the money for it."

"You're not doing that."

"Why not?"

I roll my eyes at him. "You're not fucking over your band and your album just because you couldn't control yourself."

"That's not fair."

I give him a pointed look but I don't say anything else. Saying what's fair or not is definitely not a game Tony should start playing right now. 

"So, what do we do?" Tony asks me.

I sigh deeply. "You go back to San Diego and finish the album."

"And you?"

It's so quiet in the room around us right now as we look at one another, both of us knowing that the outcome of this situation is yet neither of us wanting it to happen. And yet it's going to happen, and I have to be the one to say it.

"I'll stay here." I say. "Text me when your contract is up and maybe we can talk then."

"That's not for another five months."

I smile sadly at him. "I know."

"You're really going to stay here? Alone? In Texas?"

I shrug helplessly at him. "I don't see another option."

"You could come home." Tony says quickly. "With me, where you belong."

I shake my head at Tony. "I can't do that."

"Why not?" he asks, his voice pleading. "Because you want to get divorced?"

I hate that word. Divorce. It sounds like a cursed word. It sounds like failure and pain. It sounds like something I never thought I'd ever go through, and something I never, ever do want to go through. But I can't hide the fact, and the fact is, it's a reality. It might not be mine yet, but it is an option.

"I don't know." I admit. "Maybe. I don't want to, but ...I don't know, Tone."

"Come home, we can figure this out!"

"No!"

Tony runs a hand through his dark hair. "Why?"

"Because I can't."

"Please." he pleads. "Please come back home with me, baby."

I shake my head at him. "No."

"Why?" he asks, his voice pitiful. 

The words are out of my mouth before I can think to stop them. They're the same words I've been trying to get out of my head ever since Tyler told me to look at Tony's phone all those months ago. They're the only words that matter in our situation at this very moment.

"Because I can't trust you."