Stained Glass Eyes and Colorful Tears

20

Coming home has been bizarre to say the least. My first stop was to my mom's place, of course. She had been so worried when I left, thinking I was going to fall back into bad habits of promiscuity and drugs to try and numb everything I was feeling, but to both of our reliefs, the thought never even crossed my mind. 

Once I was done visiting my mom I headed for my next location, probably the one I've been dreading the most - Tony and I's place. As I approach our front door a weird though strikes me. Do I walk in or ring the bell? Not knowing what to do, I decide to ring the bell. Moments later Tony is opening it, a look of pure confusion on his face.

"Alia." he says in surprise. "What're you doing here?"

I tilt my head to the side. "You mean at our home?"

"Yeah, no, of course, it is your home. I'm not saying you're like, unwelcomed or anything, I'm just surprised to see you. You never told me you were coming back or anything."

"It was kind of last minute to be honest." I admit with a shrug. "I just hopped on a flight before I could stop myself."

"Kind of like you did when you left?"

I know Tony enough to know that these words weren't intended to be cruel in any means, it was him just simply stating a fact, but the way he says it and the words he uses turn the phrase into a colder than intended one. He seems to realize too what he just said, because his eyes widen a little and he starts to defend himself.

"I didn't mean it like that." he says quickly, his words coming out so quick that it sounds like one sentence. "I just meant that you told me you didn't think anything over and just-"

"I know." I say, cutting him off before he can keep stumbling over his words. "I know you didn't mean it like that."

"Okay, good." he says as he visibly relaxes.

"So, can I come in?" I ask with a laugh.

Tony's been stuck in the doorway for the entirety of our conversation, blocking me from getting into our house. It's still a fairly nice day out, but I've acclimatized to the warmer Texan weather, making the evening San Diego air feel a little chilly.

"Yeah, of course." he says as he steps to the side to let me pass by. "You didn't even have to ring the doorbell, you know that, right?"

I start to respond to him, but before I can I'm struck by a weird thought. I haven't been home in months and now here I am, walking through the front door like nothings changed. Its true that nothing has changed in the house itself, other than the fact that it's a little dirtier than usual, but I attribute that to the fact that Tony has been working a lot lately and hasn't had as much time to clean up as he'd probably like. Despite the fact that nothing has truly changed in the house, it feels different. It feels like ...not mine. It doesn't hold the same comfortable feeling it used to, it now holds this tainted feeling to it which makes my stomach feel uneasy.

Tony seems to realize that I'm feeling weird about it all. I don't know if he can tell by the fact that I'm jus standing in the entrance way staring into the house, or from the troubled expression on my face, but he does notice how I'm feeling.

"I know it's weird for you to be here." he says softly. "But I'm glad you're here."

I turn my head to look at him. He's wearing a worried expression that he's trying to cover by smiling at me. It's cute that he thinks I can't read him. For that reason alone I offer back a smile to him.

"Are you hungry? I can make you one of those veggie paninis you love." he offers.

My tummy grumbles at the thought of the sandwich. God, I had forgotten all about the paninis he used to make us, with the grilled vegetables and the insane amount of melted mozzarella cheese. Sometimes when he was feeling fancy Tony would even go as far as to make us home fries cut into wedges and make his own spicy dipping sauce for us. It was my favourite Friday night dinner. 

But I'm not here to eat sandwiches and pretend that everything is like how it was before. If a simple sandwich were to fix our issues then I would've asked for one a long time ago.

"I'm not staying." I say to Tony.

"What?"

I let myself look at him for a second to really appreciate his beauty, but the pain on his face ruins it for me. It makes me feel like absolute shit. This guy is standing here thinking his wife has finally come home to him, and now I need to tell him that he's wrong.

"I, uh, only came to grab a couple of things." I say. My eyes stayed glued to the carpet I picked out last spring. The colour looks so dull now, I don't know why I liked this carpet so much before.

"You're not staying?"

"No." I say quietly. "I'm just grabbing some things then I'm heading out."

"Where the hell are you going? Back to Texas?"

"No, I'm staying in San Diego, but I'm going to stay with Jaime for a bit."

"Why would you do that? Stay here with me, please, baby." Tony pleads as he comes over to me.

Before I can protest it, Tony wraps his arms tightly around me.

"Stay with me." he mumbles against my hair. "Please, I miss you so much. Stay with me in our home."

Of course my eyes well up with tears, partly from Tony's words and the other half due to the fact that I'm crazy hormonal, which, of course, Tony doesn't know and he wont until I can figure out how I feel about the entire situation. Staying with him would make it hard to keep it a secret, so I know that even though I do want to stay, I can't.

"I can't." 

"You don't have to sleep in our room with me." Tony says quickly as if this is the solution to our problem. "I can take the guestroom." 

I shake my head softly at him. "I can't stay here, Tone. Not yet."

Tony sighs deeply and pulls away from me. He runs a frustrated hand through his short, black hair. "No, yeah, of course. I get it."

Even though his words are saying he's understanding, his body language is saying the opposite. He's clearly heartbroken that I'm pulling away from him in every sense that I can, and I don't blame him. But right now there's someone else I need to put first and it's not Tony or I.

"Hey," I say softly as I reach out and place my hand on his arm. "Jaime's waiting for me outside, I have to get my stuff and go. But if you want, I can come by sometime?"

"Do you want to?"

For the hundredth time since all this happened I look into Tony's eyes and see the vulnerability behind them. I see all the regrets he has for his actions, I see the remorse and all the pain that they hold. It makes my heart squeeze with pain, and even though all I want to do is throw myself into his arms, I know that now I can't just make decisions only for myself.

"I want to." I answer. "I just need us to really slow down."

"Because of what happened." he says as more of a fact than a question. "I told you-"

"It's not just that." I say, the words falling out before I could even think to stop them. 

"Then what else is it? Did you meet someone else? Did you just suddenly decide that you're not into me anymore?" he asks, rattling off any reason he can think of that's making me act so distant from him. "Because I still have your wedding ring with me and I thought you were going to come back and get it, but now it seems like you never want to wear it again."

"No, of course I do. It's just ...complicated." I say lamely. "I gotta go, okay? But I'll text you, and maybe I can come over on the weekend."

Tony smiles at me, his expression sad. "Yeah, sure."

I lean in and give him a soft kiss on his cheek then tear myself away from him so I can go grab my stuff and then I leave our house.