Stained Glass Eyes and Colorful Tears

21

I know it shouldn't come as a surprise at this point, but I'm crying my eyes out again. It started with me seeing a sad cat video online, and from there I sought out more sad cat videos to keep me going. Somehow along the way it went from cat videos to videos about dealing with the loss of a parent, and then I eventually just started crying for my current problems, like Tony and the pregnancy. I've cried about my stupid problems for weeks now, you'd think I'd be over them, but nope. I have more tears in me than stars in the sky.

I was crying so loudly that I hadn't even heard the front door close when Jaime got home. I saw him walk into the room and come sit beside me on the couch, putting a delicate hand on my shoulder.

"Hey." Jaime says softly. If he hadn't just heard me crying, my red eyes still would have been a dead giveaway of how I'm feeling. "You okay?"

I nod at him as I wipe the tears from my eyes. It seems like all I've been doing lately is crying and crying, and whenever I'm not crying I'm just hungry or tired. I know that this hormonal shift is normal and everything and that my emotions are going to be heightened, I just never realized how much it would suck until now when I'm experiencing it firsthand.

"You want something to eat? Might make you feel better." Jaime offers.

"No, I'm fine." I say as my stomach grumbles. All I do lately is eat and even then I'm still hungry. In the past month I've managed to gain five pounds.

"Then come with me in the kitchen while I make myself something." he says. "You're my sister and I love you, but you should know that you're not helping yourself by just sitting here crying all the time."

I know he's right by saying that. All I've been doing since I moved back to San Diego is sitting around Jaime's place and crying in different rooms. Sometimes when I'm feeling extra special I'll go outside and cry, but that doesn't last very long because I get worried that the neighbours are going to hear me and think that Jaime is like beating me or something. 

"I can't really help it." I say to Jaime as we get into the kitchen. I hoist myself up so I'm sitting on his counter right in front of his kitchen window. 

"You can help it." Jaime argues. He takes some cheese out the fridge and cuts a slice for me. Wordlessly I take it and start to munch on it. "You just need to stop thinking about everything so much."

"Okay, but that's not easy to do. Plus, things are a little more complicated now."

"Why? Because you're home?"

"No..."

Jaime glances at me for the first time since we got into the kitchen. "Why're they complicated then?"

I've been at Jaime's place for three, almost four weeks now which means if my math is right, I'm about three months pregnant. There's been so many times over these past couple of weeks where I've almost told Jaime but no matter how much the words wanted to come out, I could never actually find the strength to say them. 

"There's something I haven't told you..." I start slowly.

Jaime puts down the knife he was just using and turns to give me his full attention.

"What'd you do?" he asks me, his tone accusatory.

"I didn't do anything!"

"I know you well enough to know that's not true." he retorts. "Spill it."

"I didn't do anything! Okay, well, technically I did, but, not in the way you're probably thinking."

Jaime looks at me even more confused. "What?"

I take a giant breath in, close my eyes, and let it out. "I'm pregnant."

Several long and painfully quiet seconds pass with neither Jaime or I saying anything. It's so quiet that I pop an eye open to check if he's even still in the room with me. He thankfully is physically here, but mentally he looks like he's somewhere else completely. It's almost as if I told him I had murdered someone instead of telling him I was pregnant. 

"Jaime?" I say softly.

He blinks a couple of times then slowly looks over at me. "Is it Tony's?"

I stare at him, my mouth agape. "Of course it's Tony's. What kind of question is that?!"

"I don't know, a valid one? You haven't really seen him since you've been back and now you're saying you're suddenly pregnant, so I don't know."

"I'm three months pregnant, it happened when he was in Texas with me."

"Oh." he says, visibly relaxing for a split second before the realization of what I said kicks in. "Wait, three months?! Tony hasn't mentioned that to me once."

I laugh awkwardly at this. "Yeah, so, about that." I say slowly. "Well, the thing about Tony, is that, he kind of ...doesn't know?" I say, the last words coming out sounding more like a question than an answer.

"Alia." Jaime says in a stern tone. "Why doesn't he know?"

"I haven't had the time to tell him." I lie.

Jaime sees right through it. "You've had plenty of time, you've been back almost a month."

"He's been busy."

"He's been free these past couple of weeks in hopes of seeing you."

"He wouldn't care."

"He's been texting me every single day to ask how you are." Jaime says then sighs. "You have to tell him."

"And I will!" I exclaim. "I just need some time."

"How much time? You're going to wait until you go into labour then ask him to drive you to the hospital?"

"I don't know, maybe?"

Jaime rolls his eyes at me, clearly thinking I'm being ridiculous right now. "You know you can't wait that long. He deserves to know that you're pregnant with his baby."

Obviously Jaime is right. Every day that I keep this pregnancy a secret from Tony is another day he's losing out on the experience. Every appointment I've gone to alone is one that he'll never get to have with me. Every time I go to one of my checkups, I think of Tony and I know he should be there with me, but it's just too damn hard for me to deal with. But I know I have to.

"I'll tell him." I say to Jaime.

Of course, this isn't a good enough response for Jaime. 

"When?"

"I don't know, whenever I see him next and I'm feeling courageous enough?"

"Great." Jaime says and picks up his phone. "I'll text him now and invite him over."

I hop down from the counter and start toward Jaime, trying to grab his phone from him. Since he's taller, he lifts his arms up higher with his phone still in his hands and continues to text. I try pulling his arm down, but in addition to being taller than me, he's also stronger, so I have no such luck getting his phone.

"And done, he'll be here Friday night." Jaime says happily.

"I said I'd do it when I was feeling courageous enough!"

Jaime shrugs at me. "You have 24 hours to build up the courage."

"That's not fair." I say to him. I can feel my anger start to bubble up quickly inside of me.

"No, it's not fair of you to keep this from him because you're still mad at him for something that happened months ago."

"That's not true at all." I protest. "I didn't tell him because I don't know where we stand."

"No matter where you stand, he deserves to know. This is something you two created together, you can't take that away from him."

"I know." I grumble to Jaime.

I hop back onto the counter where I always perch and watch silently as Jaime makes the rest of his meal. I know he's right. I need to tell Tony before it's too late. It would be so shitty if he were to only find out because I start showing or something. I don't know if tomorrow I'll have the courage, but I know one day I'll have it and I'll tell him then.