Stained Glass Eyes and Colorful Tears

25

The front door to Jaime's house slams shut suddenly, causing me to jump. The one thing I've never gotten used to in all my time growing up with Jaime is the way he closes doors. He acts like there's an invisible wind that's preventing him from closing the door unless he shuts it as hard as he possibly can. Our dad used to yell at him so much for it even though he did the exact same thing. 

"I'm in the solarium!" I yell to Jaime in case he wants to come see me.

Usually whenever he gets home he seeks me out to talk about his day or just anything really. I've started getting into the habit of telling him where I am in the house so that he doesn't have to spend five minutes looking for me. I've grown to like this routine over the past couple of weeks.

Today, though, Jaime doesn't appear in the doorway like he usually would. Instead, someone else does, someone who looks completely furious.

"Oh, Tony." I say, blinking in surprise. "Hi."

"Hey." he says.

His jaw is tense and his eyes are looking unhappily into mine. He's definitely angry about something. I try and quickly rack my brain about anything I could've done, but I've been staying out of his way since I got back, there's no way I could've done something to make him this angry.

I decide to just dive into it headfirst. "You okay? You seem really pissed off."

"I am really pissed off." he says, his tone icy.

"Why? What happened? Something at work?"

Since Anna has left I've heard from Jaime that things have been way calmer at work, so I figured that would mean less stress and more happiness from them, but Tony is anything but happy right now. Maybe he heard about the conversation that Anna and I had the other in the pharmacy. I don't know what I could've said during that conversation to make him this angry, though, but I'm sure I'll find out very shortly.

"No, I would've preferred to be dealing with a work issue right now, or honestly anything else in the world."

"Okay..." I say slowly. "What's up then?"

"I talked to Jaime today."

Tony doesn't need to say anything else, I know what he's saying to me right now. I feel my heart stop in my chest. Tony continues to stare at me pissed off, most likely waiting for an apology or an explanation or something, but I can't seem to find any words right now. I'm so nervous my entire chest feels like it's going to cave in.

"Why the fuck wouldn't you tell me that you're pregnant?" Tony says, his voice loud. "How could you keep something like this from me, Alia?"

"I don't know." I mumble lamely.

"Seriously? That's all you have to say?"

"What do you want me to say? I don't know!" I cry. "I don't know! Things have been weird between us, and I didn't want to tell you and make you feel like you had to be a part of this-"

"Feel like I have to be a part of this?" he asks incredulously. "I am a part of it, like it or not!"

"I know that, and I was going to tell you, I swear!"

"When? After you gave birth? Once you named the baby? Once it was 18? When, Alia?!"

"I don't know!" I yell as tears start to fall over my eyes. "But eventually I was going to."

Tony shakes his head at me. "I can't believe you'd keep this from me. This is a huge deal!"

"I didn't know how to tell you."

"There's only so many words you could've used. Maybe something like "Hey Tony, I know things are weird right now with us, but remember that night in Texas when we had sex like how married people do? Well, oops, we forgot to use protection and now I'm pregnant. Oh, its yours by the way."' he says sarcastically.

"Okay, I get that you're mad-"

"I am beyond mad, Alia, I'm fucking livid. I know that you're done with this marriage, okay? Only a fucking idiot wouldn't be able to figure that out, but to cut me out of this completely? That's fucked up."

"I'm not done with this marriage!" I protest.

"Bullshit you're not." Tony spits back. "You think I haven't figured it out yet? You gave me your fucking wedding ring back and moved half your stuff out of the house."

I look at him in disbelief. "What are you even talking about? I haven't moved half my stuff out of the house, and the wedding rin-"

"Oh, yeah, sorry, you only moved mostly all of your clothes and other personal belongings."

"I brought some stuff here but I didn't move out! And I am not done with this marriage."

"It sure looks that way from here."

"Well, it looks wrong then." I say defiantly. 

"You gave me your wedding ring back!" he cries out. "Do you know how that felt? I had to leave you in Texas which was hard enough by the way, and then before I got on that fucking flight you handed me your ring. It's all I could think about. It hurt like fucking hell."

Tony sits down beside me in the solarium, dropping his head into his hands. All of his anger and rage has left him, leaving him with only despair. The defeated look on his barely visible face makes my heart ache for him. Out of his left eye I can see a small tear struggle out of his eye, where it then slides down his cheek. My heart clenches in my chest watching him. 

"If you don't want to be with me anymore, just say it." Tony says quietly. 

"I never said I didn't want to be. I never said I was done."

"I can't lose you." he whispers, his voice shaking. He takes his head out of his hands and looks over at me. "I need you to know that what happened will never happen again. It's the biggest mistake of my life, Alia, you need to know that."

"I know." I say softly. I reach my hand out and intertwine it with his, and despite the fight ongoing between us, I find myself loving the way it feels to touch him so naturally. 

"I want to be with you. I want to be the way we were, and I want to be with you through every step on this pregnancy. I want it all."

"Tony-"

"No." he says shaking his head. "Don't tell me about why you can't. Tell me that you want me or tell me that you don't."

My mind is reeling with all the words and emotions in this small room. Tony tells me that he wants to be with me and help me through this pregnancy, and he tells me that Anna was his biggest regret ever. But my heart still hurts no matter what. In the back of my mind I will forever think of him and Anna and the fact that he chose someone else over me during what I believed was the best time of our marriage. 

Can I really forgive him for what he's done? Can I truly find it in myself to reach down inside of myself and find the love I once had for him, the love that I still do have even if I don't want to admit it? 

My only choice I have is so try, so I do.