Stained Glass Eyes and Colorful Tears

14

I called Jaime again to talk about Tony, as always. I know by this point he's tired of hearing from me because we talk about the same things over and over again, yet he hasn't shown any hints of being tired of talking about Tony, so I keep calling him to talk about him.

Today I called to ask about how things were when I was gone and if it took Tony awhile to figured out that I wasn't coming back. Jaime said that Tony figured right away that I ran off because of what he did. He said Tony went right over to his place and demanded he told him where I was, but Jaime hadn't even known yet so he was no help to Tony. Tony apparently showed up every day for three weeks before finally getting the hint and started to distance himself from everyone. 

"I've hardly seen the guy since you left." Jaime tells me. "I saw him maybe once or twice a week and each time he was a wreck. It was obviously he wasn't sleeping and was using that time to drink."

"He was drinking?" I ask, my voice twinged with worry. Tony likes to have a drink after work or with friends, but he's grown to know his limit over the years. Hearing that he was heavy drinking while I was gone means that it really did mess with him.

"A lot." Jaime says. "Every time I saw him, he was either drunk or hungover."

"That bad, really?"

"Yeah, that bad. But again, I hardly saw him over the past couple of months."

"How did you hardly see him? He said you guys were working on new stuff." I say, completely ignoring the comments about Tony being a wreck or drinking. 

"We weren't recording together. Anna prefers-" Jaime starts to say before he abruptly stops talking, realizing what he's just said to me.

My grip on the phone tightens. "He was still working with her?"

"Alia, you have to understand, when contracts are signed, we can't break them unless we pay a fee. A big fee." Jaime says quickly. "Even when things get bad we can't just stop working with someone no matter how much we want to."

Deep down I know that what Jaime is saying is true. I know that they all signed contracts that they need to fulfill by law, I know that. But that hurt and insecure part of me keeps chiming in, telling me that if Tony really cared for me at all that he would've stopped working with her no matter what it took. He would've realized that what he did with her hurt me so much already and that he didn't want to do any more damage than he already did. So, hearing Jaime tell me that that's not the case hurts me all over again just like it did when I saw Tony kissing her.

"Alia?" Jaime says into the phone. 

I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I forgot I was talking to him on the phone. 

"Yeah, sorry." I say, clearing my throat. "I hadn't realized they were working together still."

"He doesn't have a choice." Jaime says and I can hear the pity in his voice.

It strikes me then that Jaime must feel horrible in this situation, being stuck between Tony and I. On one hand, there's me, his younger sister who he's dead set on protecting from anyone and anything, and then on the other hand is Tony, his best friend who is currently the one hurting me. Not to mention the fact that Jaime wasn't originally a fan of Tony and I as a couple. He's probably wishing he would've broken us up for good years ago when he found out about us. God knows we'd probably all be happier right now if Tony and I had gone our separate ways.

"I get the contract thing." I say to him. "I get it all, but that's what sucks, you know? I'm tired of being understanding. I'm tired of being with him here in Texas and seeing his phone go off and thinking he's texting her. I'm just tired of how hard it is. If I had known at the start then maybe..." 

I trail off, letting both of our imaginations finish that thought for us. Even if I'm thinking that Tony and I would be better off without one another, I'm not exactly going to tell his best friend, my brother this information.

"Have things been easier with him there?"

"Honestly, no." I admit. "It's been weird and tense. I just can't let go of what happened."

"People make mistakes, Alia." Jaime says. "After all, didn't Tony forgive you for lying to him about being my sister?"

"Okay, technically I never lied. I just never told him."

Jaime tsks's at me and I can picture him rolling his eyes. "Same fucking thing, man, don't act like you didn't do anything wrong. You were dishonest with him from the start of your relationship but he still found a way to forgive you. You can't find it in yourself to do the same?"

"But it's not the same! I was dishonest about who I was in relation to you, I didn't kiss and flirt with someone else."

"But you were seeing other people when you guys first got together."

"When we were casual, yeah, but he knew that. I wasn't sleeping with other people when we were dating and I sure as fuck wasn't doing it during our marriage either." I say. "You don't think what he did was way worse?"

Jaime pauses for a second. I know it's shitty to ask him that because it's forcing him to essentially choose if he's on my side or Tony's side of this whole thing, but I can't stand not knowing where Jaime stands on this.

"It was." Jaime says. I let myself gloat a little. "It was super shitty and believe me, I'll be pissed at him for the rest of my life, but..."

"But?"

"But I know he loves you and I know it was a mistake. He reacted, he didn't respond to the situation he thought was happening, which, again, wasn't right of him, but I can't fault him for acting out of a place of hurt."

"Well I can." I mumble.

"Alia, you know he loves you." Jaime says sternly. "The man hasn't loved anyone like he loves you. He just made one mistake."

"A pretty fucking big one." 

"Yeah, no one's arguing that. It was a huge fuck up. But are you going to let one mistake decide the rest of your relationship?"

Even though I hate to admit it, he does have a point. Tony fucked up big time. Like astronomically fucked up. But it was one mistake guided by pain. Could I really fault him for acting out of agony? And could I really live with myself if I were to punish him forever for this one thing? 

...But on the other hand, can I really ever find it in myself to forgive him and to fully trust him again like I used to before this happened? Would I ever be able to trust him alone with attractive women? Could I stop being paranoid every single time someone texts him or could I stop my brain from overthinking when he shows up later than he said he'd be home? Not to mention how I'd feel when he's out on tour where there's plenty of women throwing themselves at him.

"Look, I'm not saying you need to renew your vows or some shit, okay?" Jaime says. "I'm just saying you should give your husband another chance to prove that he loves you and that you can trust him."

"And what if I can't trust him again?" I ask, my voice small and vulnerable.

"Then I think you know what you need to do." he says. "But before you do that, you need to try and trust him again."

Try and trust him again. It sounds to easy to do. Sometimes when I look at him I can almost do it, I can almost relax and let my guard down. He smiles at me, that shy grin that I fell for, and I get lost in it, and then I remember what happened and why I'm in Texas and the walls go back up.

"Thanks, Jaime." I say. "I know this isn't easy for you but I appreciate you helping me through it."

"Yeah, of course. At the end of the day you're my sister, I'm always here for you."

"And I love you for it." I say with a smile. "I gotta go, but I'll text you later, okay?"

"You going to work?"

"No, I'm going to go see my husband and break his heart."