DEMA

Fake You Out

August 16th, 3001
You will never know.
What's behind my skull
You will never know.
What's under my hair.
You will never know.
What's under my skin.
You will never know.
What is in my veins.
And you will never know
What I'm thinking of.
And you will never understand.
What I believe.
So won't you say goodnight.
So I can say goodbye.
Won't you go to someone else's dreams?
Won't you go to someone else's head?
Haven't you taken enough from me?
Won't you torture someone else's sleep?

Sunlight trickled into the room from the small window on the far wall.
It touched my face and woke me from the most terrible dream.
I dreamt BlurryFace was forcing me to tear apart my own face with my bear hands, and there was blood everywhere, and he was luaghing.
I opened my eyes to see that I was in my bed, in my own apartment, and Josh was sitting on a chair beside me, looking worriedly at me.
"Were you having a nightmare?" he asked, "you were crying and wriggling."
Suddenly the events of last night came flooding back, and I sprang up like a jack in the box from my bed.
"Is Jenna alright?" I asked, before the searing pain in my abdomen where Josh punched me suprised me and forced me to sit back down.
"She's perfectly fine" josh replied, "However you're not... Apologies for that... I hit you much harder than I has originally planned."
"That's alright... I forgive you" I said, placing a hand on my stomach.
I didn't leave my apartment that morning, and Josh only left a couple of times to bring me food and tell the others how I was doing.
He brought me warm cups of herble tea and told me ancient tales of the Banditos from hundreds of years ago.
He was so kind to me, despite everything.
And I loved him more than I ever had before, his kind eyes, gentle hands and soft voice filled me with extreme love for him.
I didn't know where to put that love, or what it meant, or even what it was.

August, 19th, 3001
I want to drive away.
In the night, headlights call my name.
I'll never be, be what you see inside.
You say I'm not alone, but I am petrified.
You say that you are close, is close the closest star?
You just feel twice as far.
And I'll fall down.
And I'll break down.
And I'll fake you out.
I'm so afraid, of what you have to say.
But I am quiet now, and silence gives us space.
But I'll fall down.
And I'll break down.
And I'll fake you out.

I stayed locked up in my apartment with Josh the next day, and the next day, and the next.
I was phisically recovered, but I was too afraid to face the others, so I stayed hidden away.
"What explanation did you give them?" I asked Josh.
"I just told them that it's better off if they hear it from you, which is true... I don't think I would have the words to describe what you're going trough."
I still hadn't broken it to Josh yet.
I still hadn't told him that BlurryFace wasn't Nico.
I don't rembember the exact moment I relised that BlurryFace wasn't a part of Nico that was inside my head, watching me and controlling me, but was in fact, just part of me.
Part of who I was, the dark part.
The part that made me a horrible, evil person.
Josh hugged me, and he was so warm, and so loving, and I just melted away into his arms.
I had never loved somone so much, wanted to be close with somone as much as I wanted to be close with him.
"We still have that connection" I told him, "The universe still wants us to be close."
He could tell what I was getting at, and he pulled away from me.
"You're with Jenna, don't forget that Clancy."
"I didn't mean it like that- I mean, what if it's part of the prophecy? I wouldn't have escaped if it wasn't for sharing dreams with you."
I could see it in his face that he was deeply considering this.
I knew he still felt that connection, I could see it when he looked at me.
He knew what I wanted to do, I'd been hinting at it for days.
"Clancy..." there was a long pause.
I kissed him, and he kissed me back.
He slipped his tounge into my mouth and held me in his arms.
And I reveled in every moment of him.
My head went light and fuzzy.
I couldn't help but cry, for I was overcome with a terrible sadness.
Josh must have felt my tears in his face, because he pulled away.
"What's wrong Clancy?"
"I'm such a terrible person!" I cried to him, thinking of Jenna.
"I'm so sorry Clancy-"
"It's not your fault"
"I know but-"
"Josh... I have somthing to tell you."
I just couldn't hold it in anymore, I had to tell him what I did to his family.
"I know how you feel Clancy, I feel the same about you-"
"No... It's not that."
Josh frowned, "What do you mean?"
I sat down on the bed, and he sat down beside me.
I tried to think of how I would say it, but words seemed to escape me.
So I began without any thought.
"Okay so, I have a story to tell you, and it's kinda about me... But also about a monster..."
"Clancy what do you mean?"
"Josh... I love you much, I love you more than anything else in this world, and I mean that... You mean so much to me, and I wish... I wish-" tears started welling inside my eyes, and I couldn't help but kiss him again.
He kissed me back, and I felt the strongest sadness I had ever felt, stronger then when I thought him dead.
I knew this would be the last time I would ever kiss him.
I turned away from him, I couldn't look him in the eyes as I told him, and I felt the anxiety he had holding inside of him fall into sorrow and dread.
"It wasn't Nico who killed you're family Josh... It was me... BlurryFace is me."
He was silent.
"BlurryFace isn't connected to Nico, but instead he's just the dark part of my soul... The half I will never be able to control."
I could the tears welling his eyes and my heart burned and ached.
"I killed them Josh... And I can no longer live while keeping that a secret... I'm a monster... And it's dangerous for all of you to keep me around-"
"Just shut up Clancy" Josh growled , and that was the meanest thing he'd ever said to me.
His eyes were full of tears, but also full of hate.
Hate towards me.
After over a minute of sitting beside him awkwardly while he cried, I finally left.
I made my way over to Jenna's apartment.
I must have been on a confession streak.

She let me in, and hugged me before I could evan say hello.
"You're alright... Oh Clancy, I missed you!"
I hugged her back.
"I missed you too"
"Do you want a cup of tea?" she asked while heading into the kitchen.
"I'm alright thanks" I replied as I sat down on her couch.
She sat beside me, putting her tea down on the desk beside us.
"There's somthing I have to tell you Jenna... About myself."
"Is it because of what happened the other day Clancy? Because whatevers going on... I'll always love you... And I'll forgive you for that, you know that right?"
"It's... It's not just about that Jenna-"
"It's... I'm not the person you thought I was"
"What do you mean?"
"Everywhere I turn, I just end up hurting sombody, I warned you about that when we first met, but... There's really nothing I can say to change the things I've done Jenna... I've let you down, you trusted me, belived in me... And I've just let you down time and time again, of all the things I've hid from you my love, I just can't hide the shame, not anymore-"
"Clancy... Please just tell me what happened"
I told her then, about BlurryFace, about my murders, and about my kiss with Josh.
She didn't say anything, and she didn't look at me.
We sat in silence, she didn't cry like Josh did, she wasn't emotional.
"Please leave Clancy" she said after what felt like an age.
"Jenna-- it was just a kiss-"
"You think that's what I care about?"
She looked at me then, and I knew I had an enemy in her.
"Jenna please--"
"Just leave Clancy!" she yelled, opening the door.
I walked out, full of shame, and I knew, in that moment, that we weren't together anymore.
"And don't ever let me see you again, you're not welcome at my door" she yelled as I walked away from our apartments as fast as I could.
I went to the supermarket to buy two bottles of spirits.
I sat on the steps, trying to drink away the pain of BlurryFace luaghing at me, mocking me for my mistakes.
I was a screw up and he knew it.
There was once a time where I knew what I belived in and what I wanted, but the path I seek is hidden from me now.
I wish nothing more then to be put out of my misery.
It would take away the pain.
But there's no way out of this dark place, no hope, no future.
I know I can't be free, I don't deserve to leave Dema.
But I can't live here either, I can't face another day inside these walls.
There may be no other way.

It's the same game today as it always is.
I don't give these places fake my name explaining this.
And the wrists of my mind have the bleeding lines that remind me of all the times I have committed, dirty, dirty crimes that are perfectly form-fitted, to what I've done and what I'm doing.
I'm brewing and losing and spewing infusing
and believe me that's what I'll always be doing.
This is the part where I kill myself.
I feel I have no control of my prisoner's cell.
There was a time when I would do almost anything just to feel free.
Am I right? of course I am, to convince me otherwise would take all night.
Before you walk away, there's one more thing I want to say.
My brain is sick with a curse of decay.
I start to part two halves of my heart in the dark, and I don't know where I should go, and the tears and the fears begin to multiply.
Taking time in a simple place in my bed where my head rests on a pillowcase.
And it's said that a war's lead but I forget that I let another day go by.
I want to be afraid but it seems that these days i'm just caught under water and I'm falling farther, my heart's getting harder, I'm calling my father.
Am I screaming to an empty sky?
Empty sky, no way, that's me.
Because one half of my heart is free.
Empty sky, no way, that's me.
Because the other half of my heart's asleep.