Bairi Sanam: The hate of a lover

Chapter XL: Mamta

Tejasvin

Ketaki's words pierced me deeper than her dagger did. Her tears, her sobs, her anger, everything was valid, but it still hurt me. I didn't know there was this much pain that she was hiding inside her. She conveyed all of it through her words and tears today.

I didn't know this is how she lost her parents. I didn't know my father was one of the reasons behind their death. I didn't know all of this was going on when I was away from this village. She was right, he could've stopped them, but he didn't. This revelation about my father just added to my agony. How would he justify taking away a child's parents? How would he justify staying silent?

I kept walking at a fast pace shedding some tears and thinking about all of this. I stormed down the stairs and found my dad sitting casually on the couch. He stood up from his place when I neared him.

"How could you've done this to a little girl's parents?" I questioned him with rage filled eyes. "Where did you find the heart to stay silent when my wife's parents were burned alive in front of her eyes?"

He placed his hand over my shoulder and sighed heavily. "These traditions, these rules, these regulations, all of these are determined by the people itself. This has been going on in this village and many villages like this for centuries now," he said fuelling my anger more.

"What is the point of such traditions that do not serve any purpose to humanity?" I said removing his hand from my shoulder.

"As a sarpanch, you have to take some harsh decisions Tejasvin and follow what majority of the population wants. I'm sure you must've learned that in your law school as well."

"I will change such traditions that do not benefit society in any way. I will change every rule in this world if it means that it will give her some healing from her past," I said and began walking away from him. I halted on my steps and without turning back I said, "And do not utter a single bad thing about my wife from now on, I would not tolerate it."

I went and sat on the long swing in the garden while processing my emotions. Apart from what my father did, I didn't understand why she thinks she is a curse for me. What standards is she talking about? These standards that have been upheld by few shallow minded people of our society? And why would I willingly replace the groom if I had hated her? I felt someone sit next to me on the swing and I lifted my eyes up with great difficulty to see who it was.

"Maa," that word rolled out of my mouth seeing my stepmother who held much concern in her eyes for me. My head fell on her lap, and I began crying extempore hiding my face in it.

"Did I really ruin her life by marrying her maa?" I mumbled while continuing crying. "She said that we aren't even a match. She thinks I hate her that's why I married her just to humiliate her." She caressed my hair as I shed few more tears in her lap.

"I know my son can never intentionally hurt someone," she said continuing moving her hand in my hair. "I know there must've been a reason why you married her like this that she deserves to know." She lifted my face up from her lap and cleaned off all my tears. "Once her emotions settle down, talk to her." I nodded and she placed a kiss on my forehead.

Ketaki

I said a lot to him, and he kept listening to my every harsh word silently. I couldn't keep the pain inside me anymore and it all came out altogether. It wasn't his fault whatever happened to parents, and I cannot punish him for his father's deeds but all I wanted to know now was why he married me.

I was sitting on the ground against the bed staring at the wall in front of me. I heard the door open, and my eyes moved in its direction. Maa walked in and I instantly stood up from my place seeing her. She neared me and began scanning my face that must've been looking awful right now from all the crying. She placed her hand underneath my chin as her eyes turned moist.

"Kya haalat bana rakhi hai meri bachi ne," she said and began fixing my hair that were not in any better condition.

(What condition have you made of yourself my child.)

She made me sit down on the bed and not being able to control myself I hugged her and began crying. She moved her hand over my head slowly.

"Why did he do this to me maa?" I asked cryingly.

"You need to ask him that Ketaki. Ask him once and he'll give answers to all of your questions," she said continuing moving her hand on my head and back.

I came out of her embrace and looked at her who had shed few tears too. She cupped my face and gave me a feeble smile. 

"He cares for you Ketaki and I know you do too. There's love behind all your fights and I'm sure he married you out of love too," she said. "Aur ye baat mere nadaan bete ko khud bhi nahi pata."

(And my innocent son isn't aware of that himself.)

"Mein unke pyaar ke layak nahi maa. Aur na aapke," I said lowering my head.

(I'm not worthy of his love and neither yours.)

"Pyaar kya paatrata dekh kar kiya jata hai? Vo to bas ho jata hai," she said lifting my face up again and I saw the reflection of my mother in her eyes.

(Who said love happens based of worthiness? It just happens.)

"Free yourself from these shackles of standards set by the society and then try to accept him. You do not need everyone to be on your side, you just need that one person to stand by your side, and that's him. Let them say whatever they want but I know how precious my child is," she said, and my tears didn't stop flowing listening to her words that were enough to change my entire perspective about love, about society, and about him.

I took her hand in mine and kissed the back of it.

"Thank you maa," I said against her hand. She got up and I watched her leave the room. I pondered over her words and my mind went back to how it all started. Never in thousand years I would've imagined that I'd end up becoming his wife. I used to argue with him so much and he used to get so irritated by my presence and look at us now, we didn't even realise when it all changed into love. I chuckled at the thought.

I stood up and went towards the bathroom. I ran the water in the sink and splashed some water on my face and fixed my dishevelled condition. I came out and sat on the long couch in our room, waiting for him to come back. I moved my hand over the empty seat remembering how he had slept here the night of our wedding, and a smile came across my face. I looked at the palm of my hand that had his name on it. The colour of henna had started to fade away slowly, but the memories associated with it remained unfaded.

Getting up, I roamed around in the room for a bit and eventually went to the balcony, exploring the afternoon skies. I sat on the sofa and brought my knees up. Putting my face on my knees, I looked out the balcony still waiting for him. I sighed heavily when I realised that I had told him that I do not want to see him in front of me in anger. I don't know where he went.

I eventually fell asleep and woke up when the skies had turned dark. I got up quickly and ran inside the room to see if he had come back. I scanned the room but there was still no sign of him. A lone tear left my eye to find myself in this dark empty room without him.

Where are you sahib? Please come back.