how dare i look forward to something
and hope something might work out this time
that is so incredibly stupid of me
and i am so fucking exhausted
and i don't mean from waking up or lack of sleep
it's deep in my bones
it's an exhaustion i've carried over 26 years
i'm hanging on by the same split thread i've been trying to pull myself up from for the last 10 years
i don't know how long it can hold
or i can hold
why isn't this working?
why is nothing working for me?
i feel like im surviving on borrowed time.
i wasn't meant to keep going this long and it's catching up to me
it has to be me.
the only common thread is me
and i am trying, i promise i am, so why isn't it enough
why aren't i enough
was i never meant to be enough?
was i meant to linger on the sides of everyone else's moments
a background character in my own life
someone who recollects the times they were close to happy, even if the memory is blurred by the tragic events surrounding it
the tears, the screams in the car, the fists thrown, the words spit
i don't know what to do
but i know what i would like to
