The lap of life

Chapter 11: Anxiety

30th of august, Monza, italian gran prix.

As Carlo Vanzini would say <a casa tua y/n, a casa tua!> (trad: <at your home y/n, at your home!>); not even on purpose, your debut as a race engineer in Mclaren begins in your homeland: in fact your family and friends are around the paddock, equipped with free VIP passes, while the curious, including that famous professor who never believed in you because she considerd you incompetent in math, have even bought tickets to see if it's really you.

You arrive at the McLaren garage and find a the members of the team working on the cars, discussing race strategy and making adjustments; they look up as you enter and greet you with friendly nods and smiles.

Andrea approaches you.

"Morning. We're all excited to finally have you on our team, it's going to be an interesting season"

He immediately introduces you to the other engineers, already sitting around the table to discuss the possible strategies that can be implemented in the event of climate change or possible safety cars, and, unexpectedly, you immediately manage to insert yourself into the discussions: your advices are taken into consideration and your criticisms are seriously listened and, if possible, refuted. Maybe it's because it's a young team, made up mainly of young people, but it has a decidedly different feel compared to the Mercedes team.

-

After hours of meeting, the team principal suggests a break; you step outside the garage, take a deep breath, feeling the cool air on your face, and lean against the wall, taking a moment to take in the sights and sounds of the race track.

Your gaze drifts towards the garage of Mercedes and a pang of sadness stirring within you. You try to ignore the feeling and look away but your eyes keep being drawn towards the familiar team; you can see a few mechanics moving around inside the garage but there is no sign of Toto yet.

As you continue watching the Mercedes garage, wondering why its team principal isn't there yet, you notice a familiar figure walking in the distance; it's Toto, walking towards your new garage with a determined look on his face.

As he gets closer, you feel that your heart rate increases and your anxiety is building; he can sense your anxiety even from a distance, in fact he notices your shaking, so he, after frowning slightly clearly concerned by your state, quickens his pace, hurrying over to where you're standing.

In the midst of panic you try to escape from him, by hiding in the garage, but he quickens his pace to chatch you, grabbing your arm, and stops your escape; he looks at you, with a more concerned expression, and, feeling how much you're shaking, he gently pulls you closer to him, trying to calm you down.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. Calm down, please" he says wrapping his arms around you, holding you close to him, and gently rubbing your back in an attempt to soothe you.

You would never have thought it but his embrace calms and reassures you; you feel even smaller but damned safe inside those powerful arms and the rhythmic beat of his heart, which you feel since you have your cheek resting against his chest, manages to dissolve all the accumulated anxiety.

"Good, that's good. Keep breathing like that. Just relax, everything's going to be okay. Just breath and try to relax. I'm here, okay?"

"Why do you always appear in times of need..."

"Remember, I always will be. I won't let you go through anything alone, okay?"

By now you know yourself, you're a crybaby; as soon as you feel that your eyes are filling with tears, you bury your face in his chest and he wraps his arms around you protectively. After a few minutes, which felt like an hour or even longer, you look up to look him directly in the eyes.

"Why are you here, in the McLaren garage?"

"I'm here to see you"

"And?"

"And I have something to show you... Something that I think will clear up any doubts you may have about my intentions"

He steps back slightly, pulling out a folded piece of paper from his pocket, and holds it out to you; his hand is trembling slightly with nervousness.

As you read the contents of the paper, your eyes widen in surprise: it's a document, detailing a divorce settlement agreement between him and Susie, that includes terms for division of assets, custody of the child and other legal details; it's clear that a lot of thought and negotiation has gone into the document...

"Oh God, you actually did it!" you say, in shock.

"Yes, I did. I want to be with you, for real, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen"

Needless to say, you start shaking again... He gave up Susie for you, will you be able to live up to her? What if he finds out you're not enough for him? And what will the little boy think of you? You're so happy but, what a disaster!

"Hey, hey, it's okay. It's okay. Just breathe, doll. Take deep breaths, okay?"

"How can you love me... I am a disaster"

"I really love you, more than I ever thought possible. I've been fighting these feelings for a long time but I can't deny them anymore... I love you and I want to be with you, more than anything" he says, cupping your face in his hands.

"But now i work in McLaren and i like it... But i also love you too... Oh my God..."

"I know. I know it won't be easy, being apart like this... But we've already been through so much. We can get through this too. It won't be forever and I'll always be yours. Remember that we can always see each other on race weekends, as we are doing now, and during the various breaks we will spend as much time as possible together; it won't be difficult, it will be a little different than when you worked for me"

Toto looks at the time and cursing under his breath.

"Damn, i've been away for too long. I have to go back and check on things!"

"You're right, go ahead. I'll miss you..."

"I'll miss you too, more than you know, but we'll make it work, okay? We can video chat, text, call each other... I love you doll, more than you know"

"Me too Toto... But now go to work, otherwise they'll think that the evil Gru-Zak has kidnapped you!" you joke.