His thoughts trailed off as he realized what he was thinking, his eyes widening in shock. It was a dark, irrational thought, but for a brief moment, he had almost wished for something terrible to happen to himself, just as he had with the hot water. The idea of something worse happening seemed to linger in his mind, but he quickly pushed it away, feeling a wave of shame and self-contempt wash over him. He couldn't believe he had entertained such a thought, especially considering his turbulent childhood and the struggles he had faced.
The night settled in, and Jude found himself lying in bed beside Clay, a deep sense of unease settling over him. The darkness of the room seemed to mirror the turmoil inside him, making it hard to ignore the shadows of his earlier thoughts. The guilt and shame from the evening clung to him, and he felt an almost paralyzing fear of touching Clay. He lay there rigidly, the negative thoughts swirling in his mind, telling him that his dark feelings might somehow taint or hurt Clay.
He slowly reached out, his hand hovering mid-air, caught between his fear and his longing for connection. "It's only Clay," he whispered to himself, trying to quiet the self-doubt that echoed in his mind. "He's the only person I care about the most... don't make him hate you."
The weight of his thoughts was heavy, but Jude forced himself to focus on the reality before him. Clay was the one person who had stood by him, who had always been there for him. Jude remembered the love and care Clay had shown him, and the thought of pushing him away was unbearable. With a deep breath, he pushed aside the swirling doubts and gently wrapped his arms around Clay, pulling him close.
As he held Clay, the warmth and strength of his partner's body against his own offered a soothing contrast to the chaos inside his mind. The rhythmic rise and fall of Clay's breathing, the steady beat of his heart, provided a grounding comfort that helped to dissolve the negative thoughts. In that moment, the fear and shame seemed to melt away, replaced by the profound gratitude he felt for having Clay in his life.
He clung to him tighter, the sense of relief washing over him as he realized that despite the darkness he faced within himself, he had someone who loved and cared for him unconditionally. And so, he held on, cherishing the peace and solace that came from being close to the person he loved most.
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Finding Peace
Roman d'amourTW: SH, ptsd, loss. This story follows Clay and Jude, two people deeply in love, as they struggle with the challenges of mental health and unspoken feelings. Their relationship is tested by the pain they both carry, leading to a heart-breaking jour...
