Tayvis OneShots

Bigger Than The Whole Sky

TW: suicide, death (i cried while writing this one) (1537 words)

requests!!!!->

TAYLOR'S POV

"I want to invite Taylor to talk, Travis' wife, bestfriend, and partner in crime," Jason says standing at the front of the church. I slowly get up from the front row with tears in my eyes. I walk up and Jason hugs me. I want to go home and cuddle up with Travis, with him comforting me. But I can't. He's gone. I stand up front and try to wipe away my tears knowing they just keep falling.

"In the simplest words suicide is basically about wanting to give up, it's one of the deepest things ever and you want to leave life, you can't stand life anymore and you leave. It's about wanting to give up and drive off the edge, but it can also be the act of trying. The act of not giving up. The act of realizing all you have to live for. Life may suck right now, you personally may want to drive off the deep end and you may not have told anyone. You have no idea how important you are, and have no idea how many lives you personally have changed. Just being alive today is so amazing for you, I know I can't just tell you that you're okay, but if I could I would. I know so many people go through so much every year, physically, mentally, socially and emotionally.

And life does suck sometimes, I won't lie but the thing is, if you find yourself a good family, a good friend, a good person who cares about you, anybody, somebody who will just ask 'are you okay' can help you be okay. Never feel like you aren't going to make it, try to make it the whole way, God put you on earth for a reason and you mean so much to him, to me, to your family, to your friends, to everybody, even if they don't tell you everyday.

But sometimes in life, it's the small things that matter, having someone ask you 'how did you sleep' or 'how are you' or 'are you okay' can make you feel better about yourself and more open to talking. It may sound stupid or dumb but please, someone in this room could personally have had a close person commit, many people take their lives because of something that went wrong, and it's shitty. There's probably better words for it, but it sucks, seeing people you know pass away knowing they did it to themselves, that they couldn't stand life anymore, that they couldn't bear to be on earth for one more second, that they couldn't live a day without thinking 'what if.'

And being so close to somebody who goes through that, and passes away, is even harder to bear, deep down you catch yourself thinking 'was if it my fault' or 'if I did this differently maybe they would still be here' or 'what if it was something I said or did' but in reality it's not you. Never believe it is you, or one person, it takes so much for a person to do that to themselves, and even if there was a bully or a single person who did that to the person who died, we shouldn't be standing here blaming them. Nobody, not one person should have to take the responsibility of saying 'well I did this, that's why they're gone' even if it was part of the reason.

Every year almost 800,000 people die of suicide in the world. Let's face the facts, that number isn't going to decline unless we do something about it. There are more people who pass away due to suicide than people who have died due to homicides or war. Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in the world, and it's hard to think about. But you can call a hotline, you can call someone and they will listen. Everyday, almost 130 people commit, and if you believe that you're going to give up, you will give up.

If someone is going through something, speak up. It's easier said than done, but in the end, it can save someone's life, or your life. Even if your best friend is going through something and they tell you 'don't tell anyone it's a secret' if it's important, can hurt someone, can help someone, or do anything, tell someone. You aren't betraying a friend, because if you speak up, you could be saving a life. And I know it's hard to just sit here and tell you guys to speak up, but in reality, you can help so many people. Sometimes it isn't even the quiet ones, you can be the loudest person in the room and hate yourself, and want to be gone, but it's the same with a quiet person. I wish that I could wake up everyday and act all happy, but sometimes I wake up and I want to cry, but at the same time, sometimes I wake up and have never been happier. Everybody is different, everyday you are different, just because you're ready to fall off the deep end today, doesn't mean you are tomorrow. Trust the process, trust that your life is planned the way it was planned to be.

It's like if your life was a ribbon, and then a thought comes into your head, that makes you want to leave life, and then your life is gone, the ribbon was cut by scissors. The ribbon wasn't completely unrolled yet, it wasn't ready to be cut, but it was cut too short. Gone too soon.

Recently a lot of teenagers have taken their lives due to bullying, stress, anxiety, and so much more. So when you go home, ask them how they are, and just sit and listen. A child shouldn't have to take their life because of something like bullying or stress. Just imagine your parents, or your friends, or someone who loves you, sitting at your funeral thinking 'what if.'" I say as my voice shakes. I didn't even realize all the tears that fell and I slowly look up. I see everybody in the audience either crying or on the verge and I softly exhale. "Travis Michael Kelce was my best friend, he is my best friend, no one has ever treated me better and nobody has ever loved me as much as you. And I'm not going to talk about everything you've done for me, or all the esoteric jokes we had, but I wish I could, because you would understand. And I have no idea how to live without you. I can't go a day without texting you or calling you and then realizing, he isn't coming back, he won't answer. And I cannot move on, I have never loved anybody so much. One day I was feeling sick and I texted Travis just to let him know. But instead of just calling me, he picked me up from work early with a get well basket and he drove me home. I love him so much and I don't know what to do without you. The first day, I texted you, I was terrified about what to expect and what you wanted from me, little did I know all you wanted was to get to know me and love me. I didn't know what to do for some of the relationship, I had never been treated so well before Travis and he helped me realize the truth. I don't want to make this all sad, but Travis, god, I love you so much and I don't know how to live without you. I'm so sorry that I couldn't help you get better and I'm so sorry I didn't notice you struggling before. I love you Travis. You are the love of my love." I whisper the last sentence and slowly climb down. Donna's at the bottom waiting for me and she wraps her arms around me. I start to sob into her shoulder. I slowly let go and sit back down. A few other close friends and family talk and then everybody slowly departs. I stayed there. Sitting in the church pew. Alone. Everybody leaves or is standing out front except for me. I slowly stand up and walk to the open casket. I see Travis with his eyes closed. It feels like a fever dream, he's still here, he's just taking a nap. I slowly rub his forehead as tears start to fall. I feel a soft touch on my shoulder and I turn around. I throw my arms around Mom and she rubs my back.

"Oh Tay, I'm so sorry," Mom whispers. I slowly let go and wipe my eyes. Mom takes my hand and we walk out. Paparazzi are waiting outside snapping pictures. I duck my head down and cry harder. I climb into the car and start to sob. Tree is inside waiting and she wraps her arms around me.

"Oh Taylor, I'm so sorry," Tree whispers.

"I can't do it Tree, I love him so much, I can't stop loving him. I miss him so much," I cry. Tree nods.

"I know sweetie," Tree says, rubbing circles on my back.