After (2024)

Keep Going

That's what they all say right?

But not in so many words

I'll see you tomorrow
I'm so glad I've met you
You're my best friend

You're so strong
You're so much stronger than me

But I'm not

I have more scars on my body than days I've lived
Spent more time in bathrooms and libraries hiding from crowded lunch rooms and classmates than I do sleeping at night
I wake up with the sheets twisted around my legs, my pillow on the floor, my neck and shoulders aching from tossing and turning all night not sure if I slept or just imagined I had

You're so driven
I don't know how you can do so much

Me either

I committed myself to more than I was capable of, you all warned me not to step outside of my means, told me a candle burning at two ends was dangerous
But mom told me I was born to play with fire melted wax plugging my ears so I don't hear the song of laziness and failure because if I stop now I'll disappoint everyone and I can't bare to let you all down

I wish I was more like you

Trust me, if you were me you'd wish anything but that
Maybe I don't cry myself through a break up but the second I'm alone I crumple to the floor shaking, dry heaves into the toilet, sobbing into my hands so I don't make a sound
My eyes may be dry but that's because I haven't had anything to drink in two days and I can't remember the last time I sat down to eat

I'm not strong

I lost my identity to the rat race because that's what I thought productivity looked like, so afraid to open my mouth and confess my sins to you, to shatter your image of me, that I've gagged myself with grades and long pants, strung together like blue and white ribbons tacked to walls and t-shirts

Is that what strong looks like?

Then I don't want to be strong any longer