After (2024)

Sh

So there are multiple types of sh right? How do I say: oh I'm clean. Oh you meant over all? Well I don't cut anymore, I have quite a record going now. But? Yeah there's always a but isn't there. I shower in water that's much too hot, so much that it burns my skin, and when I get out I'm bright red. Or when I can't stand the water for another second I turn the temperature all the way down as a punishment for my weakness. No I don't cut, but I'm not overly cautious around knives. I'm careless. No I don't cut. But when I'm angry at myself, I punch and punch my thighs until I feel better, and it hurts to walk for days afterwards. So hard that the skin doesn't settle or darken until three days have passed, and there's big swollen lumps on my legs I don't ice. No, I don't cut. But when I get angry at myself and I can't leave class, I press my hands against the bruises as hard as I can without being noticed. No, I don't cut. But I don't eat as much as I know I should, I don't eat as often as I should. No, I don't cut. But I have the hardest time motivating myself to even brush my teeth. No, I don't cut. But I pick fights with the people around me so I can have an excuse to feel shitty about myself. No, I don't cut. But when I'm really low energy, I stop turning my work in even though I do it, so that when I come out of my stupor, I can look at how shitty my grades are, and how far I let them slip, and fall right back. No, I don't cut. But sometimes I find a rubber band and slap it against my wrist as hard as I can until it breaks, and I wish it was me breaking instead. No, I don't cut. But I do sh. And because I don't cut, I still tell myself I'm clean.