there for me

letting it all out

billie's pov
it's like she's shaking in fear. and then she starts talking.

"you don't deserve me, you don't deserve to have to constantly deal with my shit. i'm sorry, im too much and i push people away and im a bad person -" i go to cut her off but she keeps talking over me.

"i don't think i ever told you this. i feel like i haven't told you anything" her voice drops and she stares at the ocean infront of us.
"my mum was more concerned about how much drugs she had left than if her kids were hungry or or okay. my dad was absent most of my childhood. he worked away and was always travelling. maybe home for a week or two every 6 months. this meant my mum had alot of spare time for her affairs. god she had so many. they were always at our house. that's one of the reasons my sister learned to drive as soon as she could. to get us out of there. my mum picked drugs over us. and then my sister fell to the same fate" she took a shaky breath and i held her hand in my own.

"i feel bad talking shit about my parents because i didn't have the worst childhood. not that i myself was home alot anyway with cadets and ballet. but when i was, i wanted nothing more than to escape. the second my sister got a job my mum begged her every day for money. she said it was for groceries. we knew it wasn't. but sara had no other option, she still lived at home after all. when my dad lost his job i was 17. just graduated and was looking at leaving. he would ask me for money here and there when i left. used to beg until i sent him everything i had. i knew it had something to do with my mother. my dad was always smarter with his life than her. whenever he asked for something he would tell me he loved me. that's how i knew. i didn't know what love was, not really at least. so when i got my first boyfriend i thought it was normal the control he had over me. if he hadn't cheated and left me i don't think i would have ever realised how toxic it all was. i'm telling you this because i know when it's getting bad again and i don't want you to worry. i run from anyone who has actually cared and i fuck it all up. but i really don't want to loose you billie. i'm scared im going to do something i regret and i want you to know the reason. i don't want you to be mad at me"

my heart stopped at what she was implying.

"do- do you want to break up?" i asked my chest collapsing and my heart falling.

"No! no not all. sorry. i don't know what i would do without you and that scares me. my mum texted me this morning. i only just saw it. she wants to meet for dinner tomorrow. i haven't heard from her in years. i wonder if she even knows it's my birthday"

she cries and i hold her. i think about what she's told me. she's right she never told me any of this. i knew she never talks about her mum. and only talks to her dad on occasion. and i knew about her sister.

i know this isn't everything though im sure there's more childhood trauma that she doesn't want to talk about im just glad she felt safe enough to finally tell me this much.

"marley i want you to be honest with me" i said and she looked up at me. here pretty eyes red and teary. i kissed her forehead softly before continuing. "how bad is it"

she sucks in a breath and her eyes fall to the necklace i was wearing.
"mentally i think im the worst ive ever been" she admits after a minute.

i pull her into my lap and wrap my arms around her neck. she wraps her arms around my waist and my heart aches for her. i hold her head close to me as she cries. i want to take all her pain away.

i think she was so distracted with keeping herself busy she didn't let herself feel. and now that she's stopped it's all coming out.

i held her until she started hiccuping and stopping. she pulled away to look me in the eyes.
"i don't know what i did to deserve you" she whispered it like a secret.

"you would deserve me in every universe mars" i whispered back bringing her in for a kiss. the kiss was sweet and slow. i could feel every emotion radiating off of her.

we spent some more time at the beach until i got hungry. we stopped by the supermarket to load up on snacks and drinks before heading back to the apartment.

marley made us wait a second to make sure it looked like she hadn't been crying and she fixed her make up a little and we headed up.

inside the girls had made a cake and set up for our movie night. pasta cooking in the kitchen as always.

i used to eat pasta once a month maybe but now it's closer to twice a week.

august was also over and had given marley her present. my girl and i went to have a shower and get changed into pyjamas.

when we came back out pasta was ready and mrs doubtfire was on the tv. so we settled in for a long night of eating, talking, and watching movies.

a/n
guys i actually don't know where im going with this book. like i don't know what the objective or end is