sin - woosan

t h i r t y - e i g h t

Scribbling on her note book, she tore out yet another page, throwing it away, and landing on the floor with the other pile of wasted paper. She was growing frustrated as she didn't know what she wanted to do or say or anything. She was still constantly in her head about everything, and was unable to get herself to make any decisions. Except one. If there was anything she was sure about, it was this.

Swallowing this bitter pill was one of the toughest things she's ever done, but by far, the only thing she's even been true to herself about. Yet another scratched paper was tossed as the door opened, it was almost as if a shadow walked in. Not a sound was emitted and not even a peek. He walked straight to the bathroom without sparing her a glance. She was used to this, ever since she returned, and truthfully since she can remember. The signs have always been staring at her but she'd been blind to see it. She curses herself for her naivety, and yet again tries to relieve her thoughts onto paper, with no such luck.

Tossing the whole book away, she stared at the ceiling slightly wishing for an opening, a way to get out of this with herself intact. Blinking away the thoughts, she readjusted herself in the bed, wincing at the ongoing pain in her abdomen, when she heard the click of the door open again. San finished his shower, hair dripping yet fully clothed. It was inevitable, his stare caught hers, yet none spoke a word. The tension arose in the shared bedroom — that wasn't so shared since San has been sleeping outside ever since. San was the first to cut it, looking away and making a beeline for the door. That is, until Jiho's hoarse voice came out stopping him in his tracks, hand on the door handle still.

"San, I want a divorce."

He couldn't say he was shocked, he had this coming for weeks, yet he still swallowed the hard lump in his throat. He didn't move or speak for a moment, causing Jiho's heart to pound loudly in her ears. A moment later, Sam's voice was heard. He didn't turn around to see her as he spoke, instead kept a steady view of the door in front of him. "Okay," he whispered lightly, before opening the door swiftly and walking out.

Her breath hitched as the door shut behind him. She didn't know why she felt her heart drop at the ease in which he said that. Not even connecting his eyes to hers as she sat there in pain. She got the answer she wanted, then why does it hurt this bad? Her ribs shook with a force, causing her intense discomfort as she sobbed at this odd sense of loss, she knew this marriage was not in her favor and this was the right thing to do, yet this feeling of agony she was experiencing was making her think as though she lost the love of her life. She sobbed and sobbed and sobbed until her hearts content, hugging herself close as she tried to sleep, thoughts raging as though it were a storm. Feelings of hurt, anger, and relief washed over her as she thought of the whole situation she was in.

Rocking herself to sleep was difficult, but having San hearing her sobs from outside the room was even more painful. He wanted to walk in, pretend to know what to do, stop her, tell her it was alright, but he knew he shouldn't. She wouldn't want that. He wished she yelled at him, asked him why, hit him, slapped him, screamed and punched him, but the days after that night were long and silent. The house seemed unoccupied with how much unbearable silence and thick tension was created. Telling the parents would definitely cause some ruckus, but they silently agreed to deal with this privately and behind closed doors.

Yet although they had this silent agreement, Jiho noticed how San hadn't even called a lawyer or filed for divorce yet. What was he waiting for? She didn't know, and she didn't want to either, she wanted out. And yet, her weak, small heart didn't do anything about it, finding it endearing that he hadn't done anything yet. Allowing her heart to grasp onto the idea that he didn't want this divorce no matter the circumstances would ultimately doom her, but she wanted to believe this wasn't as bad as it could be. She wanted to imagine that the ring on her finger wasn't acting as though it was cutting circulation in her body, sucking the energy out of her to eventually kill her.

She wanted to believe he wasn't this monster her dreams made of him, but he wasn't this fairytale her heart made him out to be either. He was ruthless, unkind and cruel. He never wanted her and it was obvious, all the signs slapped her in the face as though an ice bucket was dropped on her, alarming her awake. Watching him continue his day to day business while she lay in bed restless, she knew she had lost him long ago, but these days she wondered if she ever had him. Her thoughts drift back to him sometimes, and she questions if he ever thinks of her this much.

And boy does he. He may be good at hiding it, but the guilt piled on him like a criminal on the run. Thoughts of how undeserving and unworthy he was flashed through his mind. An image of his mother's face looking down at him with a frown haunted his dreams, he wouldn't sleep in fear his reality would chase him there too. There was no escape when you were Choi San. You just had to carry forth. No one there to hold you when you fall, just the deep abyss and permanent doom he would soon surely face.

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a/n: tell me what u guys think of the updates!! and what are ur predictions/thoughts? i wanna hear them all 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ until next time! 🤍🤍