Seizing Freedom

Tyler

The next morning I'm wide awake before my alarm even goes off. I'm dreading this appointment. The smile on Mikes face makes me dread it even more. I know he's going to get his hopes shattered the minute we walk in there.

At least this way I won't be the one doing it.

He insists on coming with me so I guess the doctor can break it too him. Honestly it's the only reason why I'm going, I already know what he's going to say.

We get ready to leave then he drives us down to the clinic. We wait, as usual, before getting called back to the office.

When we sit down I get comfortable knowing this isn't going to be the usual ten minute visit I normally have with him. Mike sits propped on the edge of his seat leaning forward as the doctor talks.

"Well, just as I expected the seizures seem to have started coming from a different area of your brain. When this happens its usually when the epilepsy is genetic and removing the problem area doesn't always stop the seizures. Like in your case your brain seems to have found a new focal spot so to speak. That's why the feelings and sensations your experiencing before and after are different." he explains and I start to think.

If its genetic where did I get it from?

Mom never mentioned any relatives ever having epilepsy, she always said I was the first one.

Maybe its from dads side somewhere, not that I'll ever know, I haven't seen the man in eight years.

If he knew of a family history and didn't say anything that's pretty cold considering he left when it all started.

Would have been nice to know.

"So what are our options now?" Mike asks shifting in his seat.

I sigh and lean back already knowing what he's going to say next.

"We can try to remove the new area but there is a risk of sensory impairment due to the location, there's a high chance he could lose his sight or hearing." he explains and I shake my head.

"No." I state not wanting him to elaborate on the option. I don't even consider it one, there's no way I'd risk that.

"To be honest I don't think it would make much difference anyway, it would more than likely only control things for a year or so before changing again. If it is genetic there's not a whole lot we can do to stop it. However we an always try VNS or deep brain stimulation." he offers and I cut him off again.

"No."

"Ty, do you even know what that is? Can you explain that a little?" Mike asks and I sigh rolling my eyes.

"A vagas nerve stimulator is a device implanted in his chest that has a wire leading to the brain. When a seizure starts you use a magnet to swipe the device in his chest that would send an electric current to his brain to stop the seizure. It has some success in helping patients with intractable epilepsy but in your case deep brain stimulation would have a better chance at covering your seizure spectrum." he explains and Mike still looks confused.

"No thanks." I mutter and Mike turns to look at me. "I'm not having another surgery. Its not going to change anything and with my luck why risk it? I don't see the point." I argue and he frowns at me.

"Honestly I understand how you feel, I'll admit there is always a risk with surgery and your not wrong, There would be little reward if any. We can always try different medication, there's a couple combinations you haven't tried yet but considering your history I don't see it making much of a difference for long." He admits and I see the look of hope leave Mikes face.

"So then what? We just let it keep getting worse?" Mike says staring at the doctor who sighs and folds his hands across the desk before leaning forward.

"Some people have luck with non traditional forms of medicine, and there's always new medications being trialed as we speak. I could always try to get you into a study." he offers turning to look at me.

"No. I'm no ones guiney pig. I'm done playing the trial and error game." I scoff and cross my arms.

"I understand, we can try adding another medication to what you're already taking and try to slow things down a bit." he offers but I shake my head as I start to stand up.

"That's alright, I'm good. Thanks for your time." I state and shake his hand before walking out. Mike follows behind me not saying a word but as soon as we get to the car and get In I know he's upset. He doesn't start the car, he just sits there and stares out the window.

I sigh and lean my head back against the seat.

"I tried to tell you it wasn't going to be good news, it never is." I point out and he turns his head to look at me. I can already see what's coming before he even opens his mouth.

"How can you say that? You basically just gave up!" he yells.

"What other options do I have? Let them keep cutting out pieces of my brain until there's nothing left? Then what? I may not have seizures but then I'll be a drooling idiot stuck living in a care home for the rest of my miserable existence. No thanks Mike. I just want to enjoy my life, even if it means going back to dropping every day without warning. I've been there, done that, I'm used to it." I argue and he frowns shaking his head. I can see tears in his eyes and really hate that he even came today.

"I don't want to lose you Ty." he chokes and I wrap my arm around his shoulders pulling him against me as he cries.

"Your not going to lose me Mike, I'm not planning on going anywhere anytime soon." I chuckle and rub his arm.

"No one plans it, it just happens." he insists sobbing.

"Babe, not to be morbid but we could both die in a crash on the way home today, or one of us could get hit by a buss crossing a street tomorrow. You cant sit here and worry about every little thing you have no control over." I tell him and he slowly starts to calm down.

Wow, I kind of sound like he used to when we first got together.

Where is this shit coming from?

We sit there for a bit then I grab his leg and tell him to take us home.

"I don't want to spend the whole day moping, I can think of a few better things we can do with our time." I smirk moving my hand up the inside of his pant leg.

He looks at me and shakes his head but smiles and laughs before starting the car.