Seizing Freedom

Mike

I jumped out of my chair and ran over to the kitchen as soon as I heard him hit the ground. I was too focused on my homework to see it coming. Not that I notice much anymore, if I'm paying close enough attention to him sometimes I can see the spacy look go over his eyes before he drops but it usually happens so fast now I don't have time to react.

I pull him away from the cupboards slightly so he doesn't hit them and get him on his side after quickly checking to make sure he's not bleeding anywhere this time.

Shortly after three minutes of shaking he falls limp.

I grab a chair from the table and a couple pillows off the couch then go back to the kitchen.

I place the chair between his back and the cupboards then stick one of the pillows in front of it before placing the other one under his head. At least this way if he tries to roll onto his back he won't be able too.

I've had to get a little creative with keeping him safe and staying away at the same time. I know if he found out he hurt me again he would lose it.

Once I've made sure there's nothing around he could hurt himself on I sit down across the kitchen and wait for him to wake up.

Watching him jerk and shake used to be the worst part, now watching him wake up is even harder.

As he starts to open his eyes and look around I wonder what he's seeing right now. He said its all distorted and freaky, that nothing looks right, but what does he actually see?

Is it just blurry images?

I try squint my eyes so that their almost completely closed till all I see is blurry colors but can't imagine that being scary.

That cant be it.

I wish I knew what it was really like for him.

He looks so terrified.

He loved horror movies so much, now he's living in one.

Maybe that's what he sees, all the monsters from the movies he's watched over the years that are engraved into his brain and torturing him.

I don't know what it is he does see when he opens his eyes now but the look on his face his trembling body tells me it's not pleasant.

I bite my tongue and try not to say anything, watching him panic and knowing I can't comfort him In any way is absolute torture.

The look of fear and unrecognition on his face when he looks at me is just as bad.

Maybe this is what it feels like for the spouse of someone with dementia or Alzheimer's. Living all day with someone you love that has no clue who you are must be horrible, at least after a while Tyler recognizes me again.