Linger in love

(2) When one makes ones bed..

Due to unforeseen circumstances, my distant cousin Miss Marina Thompson will be joining us this season.

It is refreshing to have another young lady in our home. I am overjoyed that she seems to be a rather sweet young lady. So her finding a prospect this season should be simple for her, indeed.

Sadly my mother's ever watchful eyes are upon her. I wished to sit this season out but sadly mama says no. Informing Lady Cowper that I am nervous. If she heard me voice my actual opinion, I would have to hold my tongue, indefinitely while conversing with gentleman at the ton.

My opinions are mine and mine alone. I do not wish to be like all other ladies trying to get a young man's attention. As the Bridgerton siblings refer it simply as 'squawking' rather accurate, I dare say.

That is a lie. I would very much like Colin's attention. He is the only man with worthwhile conversation and he seems to be the only gentleman that acknowledges my presence in Mayfair, Even when I am invisible to all else.

I am grateful for Miss Thompson's presence, she does not sneer or judge me. One family member I could at least call my ally, my friend.

She will not have any trouble finding suitors to be sure. She has a beautiful smile and a kind heart.

The Danbury Ball was the first ball of the season. I was looking forward to seeing Colin. Marina had already been asked by several men to have a spot on her dance card. While I stood at the edge of the dancefloor, watching Colin dance with one of the young ladies.

During one of Marina's dances, Colin proceeded to join the swarm. Leaving me feeling a little lost. I had not even got around to speaking of him yet.

So found myself in search for the next best thing, gossip.

The following day Miss Thompson had a line of suitors around every corner.

As Colin left, he headed straight to me, to have a jest. He had not even spoke to my sisters or his own. Just straight to me as if we were pulled together.

I was not surprised when he joined us in the drawing room the next day to call on Marina, she would be a fool not to accept such a court. In my opinion Colin is the most handsome gentleman in the ton. A woman could not be so lucky to have such affection and admiration from such a man.

I was disappointed it was not me he came to visit. But since our acquaintance, I knew Colin deserved better than I. I only wish him happiness. No matter who steals his heart.

The following week, Marina felt sick. My mama confined her to her room. Neither would attend the Vauxhall Ball. I was glad my papa was to chaperone, I did not want to miss such an occasion.

My papa drank with the other Lords, and laughed so loudly that all of Mayfair could hear. Mamas absence meant that I could choose something pretty to wear that was not in the shade of a citrus fruit.

Colin sneakily crept up on me again, always with a joke and a warm demeanour. It upset me that he wished to enquire on Miss Thompson, but I laughed it off as though it were nothing.

Then came the evil witch herself, Cressida Cowper. Embarrassing me in front of Colin, like she does not know him at all. He rescued me and dragged me to the dance floor to lift my spirits after such a horrid encounter.

I had never felt so happy. The festivities of light were about to begin. An arch of light flooded the sky above our heads. Colin's hand was still entwined in mine. I could only hope he would hold it all night.

We slowly walked around together. My father's laugh stopped me at a stand still.

"The small fat one will never find someone to marry, if I know my wife she will try and trap her in a room with this years eligible" he laughed "She is smart luckily, as she is a beast to look upon, I think you will agree" another laugh. Pen was frozen.

Why were these men entertaining such cruelty upon her name.

She forgot herself for a moment. That Colin was less than a foot away.

She ran.

Unable to stop. The night surrounded her. She let the tears fall, cursing at god for his misfortune in family and love. She was unsure how much time had passed.

I hate myself. No one will ever like me, even my own father does not care of my feelings. I am utterly alone in this world. I hate everything about Mayfair.

"Pen?" A voice called, then the rest I dared not think about. I was possibly day dreaming.

A few hours later I was watching as the Duke and Miss Daphne Bridgerton moved to the dance floor. The fireworks were so bright, I could just make out the face of Colin the other side of the dance floor. His eyes on me and he looked unreadable.

Making me question myself.

Is this my fault.

Did I do something wrong?

The next couple of days I sat in my room most of the time. Shutting myself away from everything, and everyone except Marina. I engrossed myself in her life and her fanciful stories of the man she loves. Sir George Crane. Thinking of her love letters from the man, it distracted me from my own life for a moment.

Sir George Crane, was fighting in Spain with Wellington. He sounded wonderful, and their story was one of secret love notes and cakes.
He sounded like a dream. One that I grew envious of. I wanted the best for my distant cousin and this seems to be the remedy for her misfortune.

Once I found out about Marina being with child, I did my utmost in comforting her and looking toward her happy future. Colin may have been courting her but she loves Sir Crane.

To be honest I have no idea how a woman is to be with child. Love and cake are the only things I took from the conversation and my mama and papa have never loved each other.

Colin does not deserve to be any ladies second choice. He deserves to be their first and only choice. I am only hoping that this moment we share I dared not think about, is the only small linger of hope I have.