Linger in love

(22) Fairwell Forever

Penelope was feeling as though, she may not forgive Colin. But the possibilities of them being friends again was on the table.

Thomas was becoming more interesting and delectable by the day. He sees things from others point of view, which is commendable. I also can't ignore the butterflies that flutter in my belly when he is around. He is charming and handsome. Who knows, perhaps if I knew he had even a small amount of affection for me. Then things may have been different between us. Instead of holding on to a love that would never be reciprocated.

The only thing stopping me from accepting his proposal is the thought of being away from Colin and Eloise. They are a great correspondence, but with El being out. I worry if she would rather I stay here for the time being. She does not want to interact with any other young ladies, I cannot fault her for that, when the ladies are always fighting for a gentleman's attention. While El and myself would rather spend our attentions on each other.

I walk to my room from a respite after my dance with Colin. I am feeling a little proud how this ball is going. No one will note my absence, to be sure.

I open the door. Eloise is in there riffling through my things. The god damn nerve. She can't just go through my things. She has found my money. Shit. I mumble in panic.

But El is smart she knows what this means. She is no one's fool. She refuses to let me explain. I let my rage flow through me. I have lost her. My best friend. She will never forgive me.

I mucked up. She looked really hurt. I try and chase her to make amends. I ask around but no one seems to have taken note of her whereabouts. My heart beat slows a little and I start to feel light headed. Nothing could possibly make me feel even worse at this moment.

Then I overhear something. I will not soon forget.

".. are you mad? I would never dream of courting Penelope Featherington"

My legs took off, knowing I would be unable to keep the tears at bay for long.

Mr Colin Bridgerton. You are no friend of mine. I wish to never see him again. I thought he could not hurt me any more than he already had. I have never been so wrong.

The next morning I pack a bag early. Only the bare essentials. Thomas will help me with the rest. This is the right course, I kept reminding myself. Tommy is a good man and will be a wonderful husband. I only wish I knew he cared sooner. Perhaps then, my heart would not be so broken.

Not at Colin knew he could break me so, nor Eloise. Yet, I am strong. Thomas is wonderful. He may not have a title but I do not care.

I have left a small note to my mama, saying I wish her and the family well but I am leaving to be wed.

So my mind is made up. I wish never to return ever again.

I write my last column for my Lady Whistledown. I wish I did not have to but I see no little choice in the matter.

Dearest Gentle Reader,

The time has come for us to unfortunately depart. This author no longer wishes to hide in the shadows. I have made some harsh choices that reflect in my work. I do not wish to unburden them to you now. One day you will learn the truth.

For where there are secrets, there is always one who knows them and when there is an insult, it is always the most unfortunate that overhears them.

So I will leave you with this. If love is a lie. Then does that make it the biggest one of them all. This author would not like to speculate. I do know that friendships although difficult are a stepping stone to how our future achievements will flow. Friendship and Love can equally cause such pain. When the opposite is intended. Keep your friends close, dear readers and your enemies closer.

Your Truly and Good bye

Lady Whistledown

That was it. Almost all my ties were cut. Just one last stop to make. The Bridgerton home to inform Eloise of my departure. In hope she will hate me less if I am no longer in sight. I do not blame her for hating me. I deserve it all. I only wish she understands that it was not a personal assault on her. It sickens me to my stomach that she thought it such.

She would refuse to hear of my reasoning anyway. She will only see things from her perspective, in a way I guess she always has.

My opinion is never one others choose to hear unless Lady Whistledown writes of it. If only the truth would someday be learned. How foolish all of Mayfair will feel when they learn my income comes from all of them.

Would they be angry, disappointed or merely irritated that they did not see my true identity. Poor Penelope Featherington, too scared to stick up for herself, as Eloise had said.

I am not scared. Would a scared woman write all I have. No, one that believes one should be truthful to oneself and others. Yes. That is true.

The ton will only see the hurt I caused, they won't see the good I have achieved. Giving a voice to the voiceless. I am Lady Whistledown.

I have a hack outside waiting for me as I walk up the Bridgerton staircase. Like I always have. Remembering the sounds of laughter and joy through the corridors.

I am fortunate to live a life as if I were invisible. So making my way up to Eloise's room without being noticed, would be simple. I wish to get this over and done with. 

I was picturing Eloise's angry face once more. Perhaps this will be the last time I get to Eloise. I never realised how hard this would be. Saying goodbye to my past and opening the door to my future. To Tommy. To our life together. Away from all of this.

I was unsure whether to knock considering she had just walked into my room.

I stepped through the door. Eloise was at the window.

"Eloise" I spoke softly, so she knew my white flag was waving. Peace. 

"Penelope" El turned around. Her expression contorted. "What are you doing here?"

"I am here to say goodbye"

Eloise grimaced "You are leaving?"

"I am" I smiled warmly, considering the look of distaste she was throwing at me.