Linger in love

(56) Absent Tommy

Pen woke up the next morning with a jolt. She still had her doubts about the upcoming wedding. She had yet to tell her mother. Which possible made her the cruelest lady in Mayfair at present.

She felt as though the engagement would irritate her mother, and only recently her mother and herself had actually seen eye to eye. Pen didn't want to shake the apple cart, as it was.

Pen sighed when she saw Colin in the drawing room, she wasn't sure how long he had been there and why she was not informed.

He smiled proudly "I sneaked in to see you"

"Colin. There is something plaguing me"

"You can tell me anything"

She sat next to him quite shyly, which made Colin involuntarily take a large gulp "It is only, we have not told my family about the engagement and I do not know if getting married is in your best interest"

"How is spending my life with you, not in my best interest?!" His tone stern. She had hurt him. She did not mean to. But she knew deep inside that he does not love her. If he did he would understand why she pushes him away still.

Afraid of loosing him like she had lost Tommy, so many months ago.

"I do not wish you to be upset!"

"Upset!" He growled out. He felt his temper growing but he did not want to upset her in the condition she was in.

"I must go" He declared. He attempted levity "I hope I see you again soon"

Then he was out the door.

Pen started to weep. How could she tell him that she loved him too much and didn't want him to leave her. To leave her side like Tommy had. To spend her nights clutching to the pillow next to her and breathing his lost scent,

This was torture. She was due to see Violet this morning, so we can talk wedding plans. Pen grimaced. I think I'm going to be sick.

The Bridgerton Home

"Good day my dear, I have already asked for a tray of biscuits and some tea"

"Thankyou" Pen spoke softly. But Violet knew better. She was not herself today. She gave her a reassuring smile.

"What has happened?" Pens eyes flew up at her, was I so obvious.

"I don't know if I should get married"

Pen thought it best be honest, but she knew the repercussions would hurt her more than Colin.

"Whatever do you mean?" Violet sorrowful tone broke her heart, considering her excitement that Pen was to become family. She had already made plans for their upcoming nuptial's.

"I have Tommys child in my womb, not Colin's. It is not fair that he has to father another man's child"

"Has Colin spoken about this to you?

In truth Pen did not know how to start that sort of conversation with Colin. Colin would simply say yes, just for her benefit, not his own "No"

"Penelope, he is excited to see your child brought into this world. He is as excited as it were his own blood. Please don't let your fears cloud your judgement. You two were meant to be with each other"

Colin is excited. This is a harder conversation than I originally thought.

"What if I am not enough?" Pen grimaced "What if he is meant for someone better?"

Pen always thought Colin would be with some beautiful girl and they would run off together having beautiful babies and living a fairytale life. He wasn't meant for someone like her.

"Better than what, precisely? You are so important to him, can you not see that and I will not have you break my son's heart for fear of breaking his heart. It is madness, do you not see"

"He does not love me"

Violet could see in her expression, that she really believed such a thing could be true. His mother knows better than that. She embraced her and pulled away, looking at her bright eyes on the edge of watering "You do not know that"

She could not tell her of Colin's feeling, in truth she thought he would have already told her. Colin did always believe in showing his feeling instead of putting them into words.

Something suddenly took hold. Pen clutched her stomach and growled in pain. She jolted forward onto the floor.

Violet smoothed her head "Shuush, everything will be okay"

"No, Tommy should be here" Pen cried.

"Penelope, take my hand and squeeze it" Violet offered.

She called to one of her children "Somebody fetch her mother and the doctor"

Colin rushed through the door "What is the commotion mother!"

He saw Pen lying on the ground "Pen" Colin gasped.

"Dearest, she is going to hurt herself, slide under her and lean her head on you"

Colin did as she said "Pen reached for his hand and held it tight"

"What can I do?"  He offered.

Pen grimaced "Don't leave me, please"

"I would never" she looked up into his face, he swallowed down a large gulp. "How, even when you are in such unbearable pain, can you look so beautiful"

"Colin don't jest, read the room. I can not do this"

"Son, we need to move her onto the bed" Violet demanded with authority.

Pen shook her head "No"

They got her up the stairs after more screams were taking hold. They entered the closest bedchamber, which naturally was Colin's. Making Pen feel even more awkward than she already felt.

She slouched onto the floor holding her stomach" He touched her face "You are the most capable woman I have ever met..." his eyes were comforting, yet the pain flew in waves, sweat started to pour off of her.

Violet shot them a look. Remembering how she had to do all this alone and how glad she was that Penelope did not have to.

"...if you can not do this for Tommy, then do this for yourself. You are Penelope. You can do anything"

His tone turned stern "Now get up!"