Linger in love

(27) Grief

Pen and Tommy enjoyed breaking their fast early to watch the sunrises and sitting in the flower veranda at night to see the sunsets. Their legs hanging over the wooden side. Furry blankets under them, and a blanket over them in case the chill set in. It was peaceful at the bottom of the garden near their small lake. 

It became a routine. Sometimes she would glance at the warm orange reflected in her husbands eyes and feel as if this is the best moment of her life. Then the thought would once again hit her.

Some time soon, she won't get to see those eyes, that teasing grin and feel the warmth of her embrace. How the hell was she going to go on without him. It was impossible. A voice interrupted her thoughts

"Penelope? Where did you go?" His tone concerned.

"I am well"

He raised his eyebrow questionably

She elaborated "... it is just, I wonder if the mornings and evening, will be as beautiful when you are no longer here"

"The skies change every night and every morning. Sometimes the yellow dominates. Sometimes the orange. The world will not disappear without me in it"

"Are you certain?"

He nodded "Of course"

"But will I?"

"You are Penelope. There is nothing in the world that can stop you from being visible. My bright sunflower"

He pulled his arm around her. His breath tickled her ear.

"Wherever I am next. However beautiful and magnificent heaven may be. Know it will never compare to your smiles. Your laugh and waking up to see your brows furrowing in a book" his words were so soft and earnest. That the warmth she already had for her husband. Burned just a little brighter.

She turned and kissed him as softly as his words touched her. Of all the moments they had with their time together. This moments was the one that ached her most. It felt like goodbye. A tear fell.

"We promised no tears" he scorned, but he knew she could not help it. But if she started, then he no doubt would and their tears would flood the veranda.

"I made no such promise" she mumbled, choking back tears. It hurt him to see her so vulnerable.

He kissed her again. More passionately. He believed he was made for this woman. Never would he have imagined what a heartbreak he would leave when leaving his life.

His arms wrapped around her as he placed her on the blankets and cushions below.
He looked down on her. He looked in awe. He stayed glancing down at her for a moment, leaning on his elbow.

She started to feel a bit shy under her penetrating gaze.

"Can we stay like this for a moment" he asked. Looking down at his wife.

He laid on his back, pulling her arm up onto his chest. He kissed her hand. Their eyes both going up to the sky. Where a few starts still shone through the darkness.

They stayed still. A peace one could only dream of. "How many stars do you think there are?" She asked curiously.

His gaze focused "Too many to count, one would think"

"Perhaps you can wave down from one"

He smiled "I will make it twinkle more just for you, so you know all will be alright"

She smiled to herself. How could one keep such a promise.

Two days later, Lord Thomas Fairaway died in his bedchamber, early on a Sunday morning.

Penelope woke up, and reached for him. Like she had done nearly every morning of their marriage. He was cold.

Pen shot up and touched his face "Thomas. Tommy. Wake up" she shook him "Do not leave me" she screamed. He did not move. He just laid there. Her screams, echoed through the hallway.

Mr Gavin ran up the stairs fast, a lantern held tight, he opened the bedchambers to see Pen collapsed on the floor shaking. He rushed over to her and fell to the floor holding her. Her whimpers into his shoulders, broke him.

He had been waiting for this day to come. But hoped it would never happen. His lordship was dead.

Gavin made sure everything was taking care of. Tommy had written a last will and testament, and even paid for a funeral. Just a small one. He was a rather private man and considering his parents were dead and he had no family of which to bestow his belongings. All the entitlement had gone to her. 

The passing of Lord Thomas Fairaway left a scar on Penelope. One that seemed to swallow her up day by day.

She decided to reach out to Lady Bridgerton, let her know of her loss. She needed to be distracted. Gavin was keeping his distance for her sake. Cooking her meals and only knocking and calling through the door to let her know when the meals would be ready.

Since his passing she had taken her meals in Tommys study. His scent still hung in the air like a painful yet comforting reminder of who she lost. His coat still hung on one of the chairs. She would breathe in the fabric and loose herself again.

For the first time in her life she felt utterly and completely alone. She was used to being ignored. In a way that was more comforting than what she felt now. Pure emptiness. Like part of her was missing. In a way part of her was. She looked to her ring on her left hand. Is was a pretty piece. Clearly it had been in his family for many years. 

Every time she closed her eyes, she could picture those eyes looking back at her. Those eyes making her believe anything was possible. That she could will any kind of future for herself, he had more faith in her than anyone else. Not faith that she could be more, faith that she was already that person she wanted to be. That she was stronger than anything.

She could not believe it, not now. That inner strength died with him and so did the joy of her child seeing his or her father for the first time.

He would have been a wonderful father.