Linger in love

(39) The decision

Pen laid in bed, thinking of all the evidence because it was becoming damning that Colin cared for her more than a friend.

He told her he had strong feelings for her, Eloise mentioned a ring. Had she truly got this the wrong way around entirely.

Friends marry friends all the time, it is not unheard of. It was how it began with her own marriage to Tommy. His smile was hard to resist through time.

But Colin. It seemed unfathomable. If he got a ring before I left was he going to ask me. He mentioned that he didn't want any man to try and steal her away before he took her hand. But a ring. That changes everything. A ring meant he was a serious man. Who was considering a proposal.

Why did he not just tell me. If I loved a man. If the roles were reversal... I would have. I can't lie even to myself. I wanted to tell him and he left the country. The kiss was extraordinary. He showed that he wanted more. But that is lust not love. If he felt love surely he would have said something. He is a confident man. But that damn ring.

Lord Debling was to visit this week. What was I to do. He is a good man, and charming and handsome.

I feel utterly stuck.

THE FEATHERINGTON HOME

Things felt almost back to normal. My mama would take us in to town to spend our pin money. Yet when I am home I feel like I have to force pleasantries with the rest of the ton. I do not feel part of their world anymore.

Cressida even said good day to me yesterday morning. She smiled and nodded. It was disconcerting. Why bother now. She had never been kind before. Had my anger truly silenced the cruelty of Miss Cowper.

Late every afternoon I find myself exhausted. This little child getting larger within me everyday. My bed is harder than the one in Surrey and it feels strange laying in it without my husband holding me. I sighed, stroking the belly of my little heir. "I am so sorry you will not get to feel your papas love. He was a good man. Little one. I intend to show you every day that you came from two happy parents"

A knock at the door.

"Enter" Mrs Varley came in with a tray "I know you have not requested any. But I bought you up some calming tea"

Mrs Varley always seemed to know my feeling, almost like she could read my mind.

"Thank you. This tea is just what I need"

"Is there anything else I can get you?"

"No I am well"

Varley stood there her lips tight like she wanted to say something "Is there something else?" Pen spoke cautiously.

"Well. Yes. It is only. I have noticed your discomfort being away from the Bridgerton estate" Pen nodded her agreement, not knowing what she was getting at "Mr Bridgerton has called on you. I know you did not wish to be disturbed. But he is here again and he does not look like he wants to leave without speaking to you"

Pen sighed "Very well" she had hoped she would have time to prepare herself before the ball.

Why was he here.

Varley sent Rae in to tidy her hair a little before  joining Colin in the small drawing room. Her mama would not disturb them there.

"Varley can you send through cake, biscuits and tea to the room"

"I already have. I know that gentleman has an appetite"

"Thank you Varley"

Varley had been nervous of Pens feelings since being back because of her pregnancy. It can make some ladies emotional. She would hate for the young lady to believe she would embarrass herself "Do you wish me to chaperone. I do not mind?"

"There is no need" Pen smiled.

Pen entered the door and quickly shut it. She did not want to be overheard by her mama.

Colin stood fast, like he was waiting for an order on the battlefield.

"I thought I would not see you until the ball" she did not want to sound rude, but this was highly irregular. Once again she found herself tied to the rules of propriety.

"I apologise for the surprise. But I have something to say. If I wait any longer I may loose my thought process again..."

"What is it?" She now looked adorably worried.

"Pen. I..."

Portia burst in "Mr Bridgerton. I did not know we had a caller today"

Colin smartened his jacket "Lady Featherington. I would like to speak to your daughter, it is an urgent matter"

"Mama. I am okay. I no longer need a chaperone"

Portia huffed a little "Very Well" and left.

"Pen. I have been trying to say these words for so long and I ..."

Varley knocked on the door. "Apologies. Miss. You have Lord Debling here to call on you"

Colin tutted. For the love of god!!

"Oh. Tell him I need 10 minutes" Varley looked up at Colin "Best make it 15" and left.

"Colin whatever you wish to say. You best make it fast or we may get more inter..."

He interrupted her. His voice raised in frustration "I care for you" he stepped closer "I had a ring and planned to propose after the Featherington Ball but I was afraid you would not want me so I panicked.." he was rambling and he knew it. But if he didn't get the words out. He may never.

"I am sorry you overheard. I knew that if they knew of my proposal that they would somehow intervene or show interest. I want you. I have needed you for so long. When you married Lord Fairaway, I thought I would not ever get to admit that my heart beats for you. Only you. He even visited me to ask me if we cared for each other, and I convinced myself of your indifference to me that I said no and that we are friends"

Tommy visited Colin. He never told me. Tommy always looked outside the box, perhaps he knew of Colin's feeling before he truly realised them himself.

"I care for you. Please say something" his voice now gravelly and he looked a bit flustered with himself. His face tried to conceal his embarrassment at his outburst.

Pen was frozen it time, in truth he spoke so fast that she had only picked up on a few phrases.

"You care for me?"

"Yes. I do"  he breathed out.

Pen stepped closer to Colin. She had never witnessed a man so full of nerves. All his composure was gone. Replaced with something else. As she closed the distance, she regarded this man that meant so much to her. Her palm touched his cheek.

There was a decision to be made. She had a man in front of her, that cared enough to marry her.

There was also a man visiting her, who had also made his intentions of marrying clear.

She pulled his head down to lean against hers.

She whispered softy at him "I do not know what to do"