Mercy

Part 23: Choice

We hadn't really 'touched base' before the family dinner and I felt strange. I didn't know if we were together or if we were nothing to each other. Well, I knew that we weren't nothing but should we act like that?

She had already arrived, that left me with the decision. I paused in the doorway and looked around. Do I go up to her first? Do I kiss her? Do I nod and ignore her? I did something not so 'Amelia-like' and I went for it. I walked over to her and kissed her cheek. I felt the room go quiet, not that it was loud and rambunctious before. I was not ashamed and I was not going to apologize to any of these people. I was a grown woman and I owed no one an explanation. Autumn froze and it hit me that even though I didn't care, maybe she did? Maybe she was ashamed of me? I never thought that anyone would be, I was attractive, funny and smart but maybe she was. Then she smiled and I knew that I was fine. We didn't say anything out loud, we didn't hold hands under the table or anything else but that fist greeting was enough to send a message, we were together.

Dinner was painfully slow and no one spoke. I mean it, no one spoke. I usually found it my responsibility to lighten the mood but not today. I knew that I wanted to take her home tonight. I wanted to fall asleep with her and I wanted to wake up next to her. It might be optimistic but all my concerns had melted away, I wouldn't hurt her. I would never hurt her. I loved her. It was way too early to tell her that but when you know you know, and I am pretty god damn sure. I was about to ask her to meet me at mine when Roger stopped me.

"We need to have a talk" He looked apathetic, it was way worse than angry. I knew this. I nodded and shot Aut a look, she knew what it meant. It was an apology, I had things to deal with. with things I mean Roger.

We walked to his office, the house was huge and old but I grew up here it shouldn't feel this intimidating. The walk was longer than I remembered. The house smelled like old wood and the only thing I could hear was footsteps on the hardwood floor as we walked. There was no small talk, no pleasantries, just cutting silence. We finally arrived and it felt like I was entering his layer and my tomb. For just a moment I thought about the very real risk of being met with some of his men, getting a bag put over my head and never being heard from again. There were no men and no bag put over my head.

The light was dim from the small lamps positioned around the room. It smelt like leather and faded smoke. He used to smoke a lot inside, now he only did it when important people were with him. I don't even think he likes it anymore, but it is about appearance and he is great at that.

I think the last time the room had been refurbished had been in the late 80's but it looked like it was a relic from the 20's. I was never good with interior design. I figured you can hire people for that, but I knew good taste from bad and I knew when things were expensive. This was classy and expensive, the way he wanted to present himself. His desk was positioned in front of a floor to ceiling bookcase showcasing his first editions and some sculptures from artists I had never heard of. I knew this room, I had spent many hours here but not like this. I didn't feel like an equal, I didn't feel like his prodigy, I felt like a child about to get a lashing.

"Sit down" He gestured to the two armchairs in front of his desk. He poured himself a drink and I sat down. I had nothing to counter with, so I did what he said. This was his game and his arena. "You know why you are here"

"Autumn"

"Mhm... That was an interesting move" He sits down across from me the only thing protecting me was the desk and I was grateful for the false sense of security the old piece of furniture gave me.

"She is not a 'move' Roger. She is, I care about her" I admitted. He looked as if he didn't believe me, he knew me in and out and I understand his reluctance to do so. He knew what I was. He knew what I had done. He thought he knew who I was. I also thought I knew who I was but lately my assumption of self awareness had shifted. He couldn't know this of course.

"So, what is your plan? You get married and plop out some babies?" He smirked. "We both know that kind of life you are meant for"

"What do you think you know about the kind of life I am destined for?"

"Mia" I especially hated it when he called me that. It was an attempt at intimacy and I had no interest in some close relationship with him. "I've been with you since you were a child. I know what you have done and I know that 'that' is your nature. You are not the kind of person who loves" I started to bite the inside of my cheek. Deep down I thought the same, I had since Deliah, but I could change, I had changed.

"I changed. I changed for her" He looked skeptical and I felt like ripping his throat out.

"People like you don't change. You're a killer, kid" I bit down harder and I could taste blood. "And although I love you like my own, I won't let you hurt my child" 'Loved me like his own' that was a fucking joke, he didn't love any of us. No one would have let their kids grow up like this if they loved them.

"I care more about her than you ever did. I love them both more than you were ever capable of"

"Mia... You don't love. You obsess, we both know this. You're like me"

"I am nothing like you" I snapped. He chuckled

"Yeah, you might be worse" We entered a staring contest. "At least I don't kill people" There is a paus. "Did you forget? Did you forget that I am the person cleaning up after you?" I had not forgotten. "And don't think that I don't know about your more frequent activities. Nursing really was a weird choice, but smart. Very smart"

"I'm not going to leave her" I wasn't afraid of him. I should be but I wasn't. He might be a predator but so was I and as he said, I already had blood on my hands, he didn't.

"Oh, I don't want you to. You can do so much more for me if she trusts you again. Like when you were kids" He was asking me to be a spy.

"I won't. No way" I raised my voice, not a lot but it was noticeable.

"You sound like you have a choice? I know where the bodies are buried. I don't think prison would suit you but you decide. You have two choices here, play the role you were meant to and be my spy or leave her alone" He said it in a clinical way, like it was a business agreement. I guess it kind of was. "You know what. I really do like you, Mia. Take the week and think about it" The air was still. I nodded and made my way out of the labyrinth of hallways. I felt sick.