Mercy

Part 32: Creative

A wise woman once told me that I had to 'show up' to ever make amends or redeem my actions, then I killed this woman but that is neither here nor there. I almost forgot this but Reece reminded me, he reminded me of all the good things that could be.

I had made a decision. I was not going to kill Siobhan. I had lit enough fires and Roger's exile would be enough to make her disappear. After following her for weeks I thought about her empty life and wondered if this might change things for her. Maybe she would move to a new city and meet someone nice, really nice and then fall hopelessly in love. She should. I was still angry over her kissing and then fucking Autumn but that might be a little on me. I left Autumn vulnerable and if I hadn't maybe it would have been true that they were just friends. I truly believe that the night I witnessed was their first and if I hadn't screwed things up with Autumn maybe it wouldn't have happened. I was taking accountability and I spared Siobhan's life.

Now there were some decisions to be made when it came to Autumn. What could I even say? I went over to her place and I knocked on her door. To my surprise she opened. At first I was startled but then I just looked at her. She looked disheveled. Her hair was messy and she wasn't dressed. I glanced behind her and I saw glasses on the table and I realized that someone was here. Siobhan....

"How can I help you Mia?" She called me Mia, that wasn't good.

"I'm here to make up"

"Better late than never. Ok. Bye now" She went to shut the door in my face.

"Autumn" I put my hand against the door and stopped it from closing. "I'm sorry" She looked at me again through the half open door.

"I said that it is fine Mia" There it was again 'Mia'. I couldn't stop thinking about Siobhan being in her apartment. It wasn't right or fair but I needed to know.

"Is someone here with you?"

"That is none of your business. I said that we are fine and I am asking you to leave" Something snapped.

"No" I pushed the door open and walked into the room "SIOBHAN! Get out here"

"She is not here"

"I'm not fucking stupid"

"She isn't here" I now hear a voice from behind me say. It is true, she is not here because the person I turn around to see is a much older man that I have never seen in my life. He is only wearing his jeans and his hair is as messy as Autumns.

"And who the fuck are you?" I felt betrayed. It wasn't only Siobhan apparently Autumn would fuck anything that walked.

"I could ask you the same thing. From where I am standing she asked you to leave so I would advise you to do so. Or do I need to show you the door?" Who the fuck did he think he was? I turned to Autumn.

"Guess you'll fuck anyone. Good to know. I was an idiot for ever lov-" I stop myself and I can see that she knows what I was about to say. Besides my ego being bruised I feel embarrassed. After everything how could I mean nothing to her. "You know what. Maybe I am messed up and maybe I am unable to love, but you are just as broken as me. We are the same and one day you will have to deal with it" I was dramatic, I was overreacting and I was being high and mighty although I knew that I was no better than her.

I left. I wouldn't need 'Mr. Daddy issues' to show me out.

Once I got in my car I drove aimlessly. I ended up in the graveyard where I once killed a girl that loved me. I don't know if she actually loved me, in reality I think we were both too young to comprehend those feelings but I think she might have. I sat down on the spot where she died and I felt like dying, I wanted it all to stop, I needed my head to be quiet.

I heard the most annoying sound. Some woman wailing at a grave. Very dramatic. I was having a moment and she was sobbing loud enough to ruin any peace I might find her. I tried to ignore her but she was so fucking loud. I didn't realize what I was doing but I walked to the shed that was covered in shadows by now. It was dark and I knew that she didn't see me coming. I took the shovel and I smacked her over the head.

"Shut the fuck up" I hit her again. Then again and again. She was silent and unconscious on the ground but I just kept going. I had never bludgeon anyone to death. It wasn't my intention but I just kept going. Her head was not only cracked but crushed but I just hit her. My arms got tired enough that I dropped the shovel. I don't know if I would have stopped otherwise. It takes a lot of force to kill someone and this was very physical.

I wasn't smart about this and I knew that this was one murder I might not get away with. Would I really go down for killing some unknown lady in the graveyard? That was not the plan but many plans hadn't really worked out lately. So, maybe this was it. I felt hopeless and I just walked away. I never thought about killing myself before but maybe it would be better than prison, I wasn't meant to live in a cage, I knew that. I drove to the bridge where I met one of the many women who would change my life and I walked up to the very spot where I found her. I wondered if she felt the way I did.

I looked down and I took a deep breath. I would just climb over the railing and let go. I never thought this would be the end. I thought of myself like I was above taking the easy way out. But I had nothing left. Then I realized that I really had nothing left, so why not get creative?