Mercy

Part 35: A.K.

I went home for the fastest shower of my life. I had to get to her but I couldn't very well show up covered in her father's and her past lover's blood. That would make things... complicated. I looked at myself as I dried my hair. I didn't look like a killer, I don't think that I ever had, but I was and right now I felt like it. This was not how it was supposed to play out. Autumn shouldn't have loved me, Siobhan should have lived, Roger's body should have been hidden. Once again my plans kept changing and I started to feel doubt. Why was I doing this?

Before the text from Aut I was going to kill her, then myself... but now... now I needed more information. Even though I started this whole thing to get close to her, to kill her, then I started to believe in love and I was sidetracked. I knew what I should do. I should kill her. The drive was weird to say the least. I didn't have a plan and maybe that was good. Once the car was parked I looked at myself. How could she ever love me? The last time I saw her was through the window when she was with Siobhan. The image of Siobhan tied to the armchair, covered in blood and vomit entered my mind. No. Autumn could never forgive me for that.

The stairs seemed longer than ever and the hallway stretched out like a funhouse mirror. I knocked on the door. I was ready. What I saw was a defeated woman. She had cried and she looked like she hadn't slept. To be fair it was early morning and she texted me around three so it was a good bet that she hadn't. She just stood there and I was about as confused as a person could be. There was no eye contact, she didn't even acknowledge me.

"Aut" My voice seemed to snap her out of it because she almost flung herself into my arms, I almost toppled over. I didn't understand but I didn't need to. As she pressed her head against my chest I didn't need to know anything. I needed to hold her. So, we ended up standing like that in the communal hallway for a couple of minutes. She was holding onto me like I was her last life line, like if she let go for just one moment I would be gone again. With my arms around her I started to back her into the apparently, barely kicking the door closed behind us. I got us to the couch but the position we ended up in was awkward and uncomfortable but she didn't let go so I held her the best I could.

"Please don't go"

"Aut. I just got here" I was confused.

"No. Don't ever leave" She kissed me. I was more confused than before. Some might see this as me taking advantage of a woman in a vulnerable state, they would be correct but in this moment I just saw the love of my life and she was kissing me so I kissed her back. "I'll do what you want. I can take it. Just don't leave" She got on my lap and the kisses became feverish almost as if she were in a trance.

"Stop" I put my hands on her shoulders and pushed her away as softly as I could. I could see her tearing up. "What are you talking about?" I think I knew but honestly, I was starting to doubt every thought in my head.

"I can be what you want. You can do those things to me. Just stay. Just... Love me" Autumn was not a beggar and she was not this pathetic but this was what I wanted.

"I love you. I don't need any of that Aut. I just want you" Now she looked confused.

"Really?"

"Yes. Autumn I am madly in love with you. You are the kind of girl that makes you want to change your ways. I want that. I want to change. I want all that sweet and gooey shit, because it is you" I don't know what made me say this. It was out of character.

She started to kiss me again and I kissed her back. She was seated on my lap and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world.

"Is this ok?" I whispered. Siobhan's face flashed before my eyes. She nodded, she was obviously not reminded of Siobhan and this made me at ease. I kept repeating the question every time I removed a layer of clothing. I picked her up and brought her to the bedroom. I would do this correctly this time. I laid her carefully on the bed and quickly undressed. I laid beside her and started to let my hands roam her body, she did the same. Our noses brushed between kisses and I think this was the beginning of what sappy people would call 'making love'. I find that expression gross in ways I can not explain.

"I'm not gonna break" She whispered, giving me permission to touch her.

"I know. I just want to make you feel good" I felt hesitant but she smiled so I think that I was in the clear. I started to touch her. Everything in my mind was reminding me to be careful and soft. Autumn took a firm hold of my hand and looked at me.

"I can hear you thinking" She smiled and put my fingers in her mouth. She really was the sweetest. I loved this about her. She had a hard shell but once you got in, she had the sweetest, softest core. "I bet I can help you with that" She placed my hand on her breast and let her own hand travel down my body and land between my thighs. She was teasing me, not really touching me but building anticipation. I don't let people touch me like this, but it was her and we were in love so I let it happen. Her fingertips softly circled my clit and it felt really good, I didn't expect that. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"You like that, huh?" She smiled and kissed me. I did. I did like that, so I nodded my head and she applied a little more pressure sending shivers down my spine and heat was building in my core. My hand made its way down her body.

"Is this ok?" I asked before I started to touch her, she smiled the sweetest smile and I started to move my hand like she was.

We went on like this for some time. Kissing and moaning in each other's mouths. It wasn't about just getting off as quickly as possible, it was about being together. Or, at least that was my conclusion. I started to tease her opening and she didn't stop me so I pushed two fingers inside of her. She started to moan with every move I made. She needed this, she wanted this and I was going to give her this. She did the same and I feel like I might cum.

"I'm gonna cum, baby" I let out, in a deep breathless moan. She grabbed my face with her free hand and made me look at her. Her once soft eyes were now dark and filled with need. She curled her fingers and I lost my breath as I started to cum. She watched me and just after a couple of seconds she came with my fingers deep inside her.

She didn't cry like last time but she curled up in my arms in the same way. She made herself small, she had done this a couple of times now and I didn't understand it, maybe she wanted comfort and the warmth of another human. She wanted me close. She trusted me. I was once again stuck in thought. This was everything I wanted. Except for the murder situation. But my quest for love, my quest for Autumn was over.

"I love you, Amelia"

"I love you too" It was the right thing to say. I thought love would feel different. I killed because it filled a need, a hole inside of me. I thought that love would do the same. This was more than sex. Autumn trusted me, she loved me, she wanted me, so why didn't I feel anything. I looked at her head rising and falling on my chest as I was breathing. She was lovely, she was perfect in fact.

As I watched and felt her fall asleep I wished for something else, something more. It became obvious to me that I had been overthinking. Love was not the thing that would fill the void in my chest. This was confirmed watching her sleep. I realized that the only thing I wanted in the world was to crack her beautiful skull wide open.