Darkness Retribution

The Emo Roaster

As Gru smirked and the Minions continued their chaotic dance, you glanced over at Emo Jesus, who had been quietly observing the absurdity unfolding around him. But something about his expression had changed—there was an eyebrow raised, and his lips curled into a smirk. The usual brooding energy was still there, but now it had a sharp, sarcastic edge.

Emo Jesus strummed a lazy chord on his guitar, then rolled his eyes dramatically. "Oh, great. Minions. Exactly what we needed after battling a literal chaos demon. What's next? A clown car full of penguins?"

Gru shot him an annoyed look, but Emo Jesus wasn't done. He stepped forward, leaning casually on his guitar, his tone dripping with sarcasm. "Seriously, though, Gru? A cult of Minions? That's the big plan? Wow, you really went for the low-hanging fruit there, huh?"

The Minions, blissfully unaware of the sass being thrown their way, continued babbling and tossing confetti. One of them tried to put a party hat on Emo Jesus, who gave it a deadpan look before flicking it off with a quick strum of his guitar. "Yeah, no thanks. I left my party mood back in the early 2000s."

Gru, clearly irritated, crossed his arms. "You think you're funny, don't you? These Minions are loyal to me! They'd follow me into battle, into danger—"

Emo Jesus cut him off with a mock gasp, pressing a hand to his chest in exaggerated shock. "Oh, battle? Danger? You mean the kind where these little yellow tic-tacs trip over their own feet and accidentally blow themselves up with a fart gun?" He shook his head, clearly unimpressed. "Yeah, I'm so intimidated."

Felix couldn't help but chuckle under his breath, while Neuvillette watched the exchange with mild amusement, his stoic expression betraying a slight twitch at the corner of his lips.

Freddy, catching on to Emo Jesus's vibe, clanked over and added, "Gotta say, Gru, you might want to rethink the whole 'army' thing. I've seen wind-up toys with more coordination."

Gru glared at the group, clearly getting more frustrated by the minute. "You underestimate my Minions! They are capable of—"

"Screwing up absolutely everything?" Emo Jesus interjected, not even letting Gru finish. "Yeah, we get it. We've all seen the movies. And spoiler alert: you never win."

Gru opened his mouth to retort but was momentarily distracted by one of his Minions knocking over a stack of crates, causing a small avalanche of supplies to tumble down.

Emo Jesus gave a dramatic sigh and looked at you, shaking his head in mock despair. "Honestly, we should just let them have the room. At this point, it's like watching a circus where all the clowns are in charge." He strummed another lazy chord, a smirk playing on his lips. "Though I'm sure someone would be into that chaos."

Daddy Hello Kitty Batman stepped up, clearly enjoying Emo Jesus's sass, and patted him on the shoulder. "Keep it up, and I might start thinking you're the funniest one here."

Emo Jesus flashed a smirk. "I try."

Gru, now visibly frustrated, pointed at the group. "You've made a grave mistake mocking me! I will—"

"Yeah, yeah, we get it," Emo Jesus interrupted, waving a hand dismissively. "You'll 'take over the world,' 'rule with your Minions,' blah, blah, blah. Honestly, Gru, your whole vibe is just... tired." He gave an exaggerated yawn, strumming a quick chord for effect. "Maybe take a break? Meditate or something? You seem really stressed."

Gru, clearly reaching the end of his patience, stomped his foot. "You'll regret this, Jesus!"

Emo Jesus chuckled darkly, giving him a side-eye. "Oh, sweetie, I regret a lot of things, but this? This isn't one of them."

The tension in the room was thick, but now it was laced with sarcastic humor, thanks to Emo Jesus's relentless sass. As the Minions continued their antics, Gru realized that he might have bitten off more than he could chew.