I liked winning...Aoey was always nervous when I walked past her or when I touched her. So I tried to touch her as often as possible to break the ice and create new habits. She seemed to function, still not one hundred percent, but much better than before. Aoey got used to me touching her.
That made me feel like a winner. I was up for the behavior change award. It felt good that she let me touch her, beyond great. I was sure that I was her closest friend in this world. But her statement that day was still in my head. It was deep in my brain. Why did she look at me differently than the rest of
the people?
What had I done to make her think I was cleaner than other people she
didn't want to touch? I was a little upset when she said I was clean and she was dirty when she was with me. I was not a detergent. I thought about many things as I watched her work in silence writing something in her notebook. She caught me looking at her and said:
"I can't work if you're going to look at me like that,"
She said and looked at me making me feel like I was going to melt.
"Do you have something to say?"
"No."
I stretched and looked away nervously.
"I think about how serious you are when you work."
"I'm writing a novel. I'll post it tonight...how am I going to finish this if you're looking at me."
"I wasn't noisy."
"But the way you look at me is strange."
"Oh?"
"Feeling that you touched me."
My face was stunned when she said that. Aoey laughed out
loud when she saw my face.
"Look, that's why I can't concentrate on work. Look! Instead of looking at my computer, I'm now looking at you. Your eyes are so beautiful, how can I look away from this?"
The smaller girl said and rested her chin on the palm of her hand.
"Don't look at other people like that."
"Most of the time I wear sunglasses. But if you feel uncomfortable, I'll use them."
"It's the opposite of uncomfortable. I said your eyes are beautiful. If you
were a man, I'd be so sensitive."
My heart was beating as loud as a war drum. It was pounding so hard, like I had a heavy workout, especially when I looked into her eyes and blushed...Why did I feel like that?
"Hey."
"Yeah?"
"Why do you think I'm clean and you're dirty?"
Finally I asked her what I had in mind. She seemed nervous when I saidthat. I wasn't sure if I asked her for something too sensitive for her.
"I said that? I don't remember. It may not mean anything."
"Why am I cleaner than other people? Why are other people so dirty that you don't want them to touch you?"
I looked directly at her. I was wondering why I was so curious about her. I had it saved since the night before.. When she realized I was serious about my question, she turned off her computer, took off her glasses, and looked
me in the eyes.
"You, Gen, are out of my reach."
"Oh?"
I frowned. I started by challenging her, but now I was confused.
"What do you mean?"
"I always admired you, Gen. Since we were in elementary school. You're pretty, proud, rich,with respectable parents."
