Since I said that word, Aoey seemed to be in a good mood. She looked at
me all the time trying to find something there. I realized that I did a lot of
suspicious things and I had to do something.
"Tod will come today."
The soft eyes that were happy, now didn't look very happy anymore. I
pretended not to see her.
"Why will he come here?"
"I just wanted him to visit me. I wanted to show him my world. I wanted to
introduce my most important friend to the boy who is important to me
because they are both important."
I win... I left her speechless and she didn't have a smile that made me feel
weak. She wasn't very happy but she didn't show it too much. Tod arrived at
the condo not long after that. The handsome boy was kind enough to bring
some snacks and present them to each other.
"Here is Aoey. She is my best friend. This is Tod, my boyfriend, the
handsome boy looked at me with surprise. He didn't expect this kind of
presentation. Aoey said hello and tried to smile as much as she could.
"I should be going? Now that your boyfriend is here."
"No, why go? Two important people in my life should meet."
This was a small studio with limited space. Three of us sat in the corner of
the living room while Aoey arranged snacks on a plate.
"Something's wrong,"
Tod told me quietly.
"What are you saying?"
"You. Something is wrong with you."
He smiled at me while he looked at Aoey.
"Your best friend is strange too."
"What is strange?"
"Your eyes."
I felt analyzed, so I shifted my sitting position uncomfortably. Tod liked to
analyze people and I couldn't seem to hide it. When we saw each other on
our first day, he looked right through me too, remember? I considered
whether he should continue covering up the truth or tell her. But this wasn't
the right time to say anything. I could only ask for help.
"From now on, you must follow my example, my conversation, even when
you disagree. Please keep in mind that it is an act."
"Something wrong?"
"Please."
"Well, I guess I have to help."
"Here you go,"
Aoey announced with snacks and drinks. She sat up and smiled happily but
awkwardly. Why did she have to make it so obvious? Couldn't she repress
her own feelings?
"Do you still have gay men following you?"
The handsome man who took a drink looked at me with amusement. But he
had to follow whatever my example was.
"Yes, sometimes."
"How did you handle them?"
"What can I do?"
"If I were you, I would scare them away. It was difficult to be born as a
human being. They shouldn't be gay. Do you know that in ancient times
they would be punished? I do not like it."
I tried to be unpleasant but I didn't agree with what I had just said. Aoey sat
there silently as Tod became more involved.
"They didn't do anything to us. Gays are not bad people.."
That guy needs to be punched in the face. He didn't follow my example.
"They are not bad, but they are not normal people. If you are born a man,
go ahead and be a man. Just like women, they should like men, not girls. It's
so unnatural that I don't like it."
I took a sip of water and thought of something else to say.
"I had a woman flirt with me once, I shoo her away as soon as I can."
"What did you say to her?"
"Sick,"
I said while looking at Aoey, who avoided my eye contact, so I emphasized
a little more: "You too, Aoey. If a woman flirts with you, you have to reject
her, people might think you are sick too. You should stay away if you are
dating those types of people."
"If you are crooked, I will hate you too."
There was a dead silence between all of us. I heard a fly flying around a
trash can clearly. Aoey smiled awkwardly at us.
"I never dated a woman."
"Good for you."
"I'll go to the convenience store downstairs. Do you want something from
there?"
I looked into her soft eyes and shook my head. I assumed she wanted to
quietly escape somewhere to process what I had just said. I heard the sound
of an elevator and was sure she
had just left. Tod began to argue with me openly.
"What was all that? When did you have something against the third gender?
You talked shit, if anyone heard that, they would want to kick you in the
face."
I looked at Tod and leaned back on the couch exhausted. I rubbed my entire
face with both hands tiredly.
"Was I really being unpleasant?"
"Do you want to send her a message?"
The handsome man was intelligent. He understood that there was something
between the lines. I nodded in response.
"Yeah."
"You two like each other."
"No!"
I quickly rejected that statement.
"She likes me."
"Does she know that you knew this?"
"I don't believe it. I guess I never showed her that I know."
I wrapped my arms around myself like a shield. Aoey's reaction to what I
said made me feel pain on the left side of my chest. I felt like someone was
hitting me over and over again.
"You should tell her frankly, instead of doing this."
"That could end our friendship. We are friends and we should not get
involved in that type of relationship."
"Do you think your friendship will still be there when you're doing this?
Stopping seeing her might be better for both of you."
"I don't want to stop seeing her. I wanted to be with her like that."
I responded normally but the handsome boy could read me. There was a
long pause from Tod that made me wonder what he was thinking.
"What?"
"You feel the same way she feels."
"No!"
I shouted nervously and that made the situation even worse.
"Too much emotion."
"Not really."
"When there was someone chasing you and you wanted to say no, how did
you do it?"
"I'm just telling them no. That's all."
"Why can't you do that to her?"
"She is my close friend."
I bit my lip.
"My first close friend."
"You're not good at lying."
"What do you want me to do? What do you want of me?"
I started to get angry at him and tried to take control of the situation by
getting angry. But this way could only work with someone who fell in love
with me, not with Tod. The handsome boy cupped my face with both of his
hands and forced me to look into his eyes. His dark eyes looked into mine
and now made me release my anger.
"You can tell me everything like when I told you that I like boys."
"I.."
"Tell me the truth."
How close were we? There was a voice in my head that screamed don't
admit it, don't tell it. On the other hand, I felt like Tod was my brother and I
wanted to tell someone about this. If I said it, would it come true? The fact
that I'm not normal.
"I don't know."
I averted my eyes.
"I always feel weak around her."
"Does that mean I'm not normal? I'm jealous of her. Is that supposed to
happen?"
"Being gay or lesbian is not a mistake, Gen."
I turned my back on him.
"How is it not a mistake? Look at me!"
I pointed to myself.
"I was born with everything. You don't see how perfect I am. I was born
beautiful, rich, well educated. Do you know that I can speak 3 languages,
Chinese, Thai and English?"
"How could someone so perfect have that black spot in their life?"
"Why is the love between two girls a black spot in life?"
"Society is not so open nor do I open myself to that."
I said with a trembling voice, whether it was sadness or anger, I didn't know
but I couldn't accept myself for that.
"No."
"If you want to be so perfect, date a man and have the most miserable life.
If I were you, I would want to be happy. Perfection does not give you a
good life."
"You may be okay with imperfection in life, but I'm not. Not Genlong. If
you think it's okay to be gay, why are you lying to your family then?"
At first, it was just a discussion, but now it became a discussion about
LGBT. I never hated them, but I wasn't ready to live in their world either.
What would my parents think of me? What would the people around me
think of me?
"I'm not going to argue with you now. We can talk later when you are
calmer."
The handsome boy stood up and walked towards the door. I felt
uncomfortable for making him angry. It wasn't even part of the problem. He
then suddenly turned around to comfort me.
"Be yourself, Gen. Just be happy with who you are. Be brave with the one
you love even when you have to leave your comfort zone."
Tod left while I was still confused with a strong emotion. I didn't agree with
what he had just said. He was one of them. He could say whatever he
wanted. Humans were social animals. If you didn't care what other people
thought, you had to live in a jungle. I was part of that society. I wouldn't
break any rules. I was a normal person. I was a woman. I had to stop this
absurdity as quickly as I could! After telling myself that, I sat on a sofa
hugging my knees and waited for Aoey to return. But for a long time, the
sweet eyes did not appear. The convenient store was very close to the
condo.
I got up and decided to go look for her. She was still frustrated by the
conversation. I could just call her but I wanted to talk to her face to face.
But while I was waiting for an elevator I heard a scream not far away.
Damn...I knew that was her voice. I followed the voice and found it hiding
in the fire escape. The sweet-eyed girl hugged herself, crying silently and
she covered her mouth with her hands, trying to cry as quietly as
possible.What I saw made me feel so heavy in my chest. I was angry at
myself for feeling so much for her.
I was a woman. I shouldn't feel anything for this woman. It wasn't good!
"Hey."
She jumped once she heard my voice. The soft eyes looked up and wiped
away the tears immediately, but that was a little late.
"G..Gen, what are you doing here?"
"I have to ask you, what are you doing here?"
I wrapped my arms around myself trying to cheer myself up like when I
tried to intimidate other people.
"It's enough to be like that."
"What you are doing now."
I had to be clear with her because it was necessary.
"You make it too obvious."
"What do you mean?"
She seemed so surprised, so I said it frankly without hesitation.
"You like me.."
There was a silence between us. Aoey was now frozen in shock.
"I don't know why you have something for me, Aoey. We are both women.
More important than that, we are friends."
I bit my lip in pain, but I thought it was time to deal with it.
"I don't want to lose a friend like you. I never had a close friend before and
you are the first."
"You are my first in many topics. You are my first friend in elementary
school. You were the first one who gave me lice. You are the first person I
wanted to be with. But if you have feelings for me, I think it has to end."
Aoey's tears ran down her cheeks. Her soft eyes looked down at the ground,
no words, no response from her. I wanted to bite my tongue and I fell dead
now. But I loved myself and couldn't see myself becoming a weirdo.
"I might hate you if you do that."
Aoey looked at me in shock. I felt so sorry for her that she was now looking
at me with tears on her face. What am I doing now? Why did I hurt her so
much? I could pretend it never happened.
"I'm sorry."
"Ok, fine. We already have it clear. Let's go back."
I walked ahead of her, but I didn't hear any footsteps following me. Aoey
was in the same place looking at me seriously.
"From now on, I will leave this."
"You're just my best friend."
Her words hurt me so deeply that I would rather die. But all I did was nod
my head and walk back without showing any emotion. Once I turned
around I grabbed my heart. Was it the right thing to do? I did the right thing, right women are for men I did the right thing
