LITTLE SECRET | RAFE CAMERON

77: 𝘔𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘺

TW: mention of panic attacks
—

It was somewhere between the moment Ian had shown up and Alice's third drink that she had lost sight of him and her friends.

All alone, she stumbled through the party, no one in sight with whom she wanted to waste her time.

The dim light around her made her eyelids heavier, but the bass of the music playing - which she wasn't even sure where it was coming from - kept her body going. It shot through her bloodstreams and mixed with the excessive amount of alcohol, flowing all the way up into her head and keeping her awake as she pushed aimlessly past the many people.

Alice had lost to the voice in her head that talked about all the things she cried about at night when the rest of the world was asleep.

Because when a girl's heart breaks, it's not just the heart that breaks, but the girl as a whole. The sun that she carries within her, the smile that belongs to her lips, the love for herself.

It was as if love was a trap that Alice had mercilessly fallen for. A trap in which she had lost everything, but had actually only been looking for love. And she didn't understand why it was apparently so difficult. Why every guy who had ever been in her life had found it so easy to hurt her but so damn hard to love her.

Was it her face? Her nose, her lips, her eyes.

Her body? Her arms, her legs, her stomach.

What about her made love her greatest enemy even though she carried so much of it inside her heart?

She couldn't take it anymore.

Alice stumbled into the kitchen, where she could barely hear her own breathing between all those voices around her. As if it wasn't even there, as if she wasn't even breathing, as if her lungs didn't even exist. Hurriedly she headed for one of the bottles that were lined up on the marble counter and poured whatever was in it into a nearby cup, drank it all in one go. But she wasn't prepared for the sudden pain shooting through her chest as if she had been stabbed right in the heart.

With her hand on her chest, she looked down at the floor in front of her and leaned back against the counter.

The wooden floor beneath her feet seemed to be spinning in endless circles, going round and round without an end.

Something wasn't right.

She had to find her breath. Or someone sober enough to get her out of the panic that was slowly creeping up into her ribcage. With each passing second, she started to feel her heart beating against her chest like it was about to explode.

Never before in her life had she felt as if she could hear the way every single one of her heartbeats rushed through her whole body.

Never, until now.

Staggering, she held on to the counter, barely feeling her own hands, but she started to move on unsteady legs towards the door that led her out into the crowded hallway.

People. All over the place. Against every wall. In every corner.

Talking, laughing, but never overpowering the voice that wouldn't stop reminding her of the things she was trying to forget.

Alice found it harder to breathe with each step she took.

As if something indescribably dark was smoking up her entire lungs. In her head, that voice whispering unstoppable things, hurting her, driving her deeper into panic, tears welling up in her eyes as she struggled to get through the crowd of people that seemed to crush her from every side.

With no destination, no idea where to go.

With her shaking hand on her chest, right where it raged and burned, it drove her further and further through the hallway that seemed endless.

„Alice"

She tried to breathe. But with every breath she took in through her dry mouth, she became dizzier.

„Alice, hey"

The two hands that suddenly placed themselves on her shoulders made her stop. But every breath she took sounded like her lungs were burning and turning to ashes. Tears streamed down her face, constricting her heart in a way that made her feel like she was going to die at any moment.

„Hey, look at me"

The muffled voice that spoke to her became clearer as one of his hands gently found its way from her shoulder to her cheek and made her look up.

Up into his eyes, the sight of which made her cling to his arm in search of the comfort she had always felt with him.

He carefully wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her to his side to guide her out of the hallway.

„Alice, you have to breath" He talked to her, her heavy breaths frightening him.

„I..." She sobbed out of her chest. „...I can't, it—„

„You can, you have to" He led her away from the many voices, into a room that was so much quieter when the door closed behind them.

But as soon as the door fell into its lock, Alice's legs gave out. The stinging in her chest had become a raging fire that burned through her whole system and caused her to sink to the floor.

„Rafe" She uttered from her trembling lips, reaching for a hand to hold.

„You're okay" Rafe knelt down in front of her and placed his hands where her shoulders met her neck, stroking the skin of her cheeks with his thumbs. „i'm here, you just need to breathe"

Alice's breaths came short and choppy. She could feel the way a cold sweat coated the back of her neck, making her shiver as the ragging flame inside of her chest spread trough her whole body.

And the worst thing was that she had no idea what was happening to her.

„Alice, bab-..." He brought her into his arms and pulled her to his chest, placing her hand on the place of his lungs. „feel my breath, breathe with me"

Rafe's breaths were steady, slow and calm as Alice lowered her head to his shoulder and tried to breathe with him. He held her close to him, their fingers intertwined against his chest as she sucked in a breath, and with it, the scent of him beneath his black shirt.

„Breathe, Alice" He repeated softly.

She balled the fabric of his shirt up in her fists as she tried to block out the sound of rushing blood in her ears to focus on his voice.

That voice she had missed so much.

The old feeling of warmth between them, which had actually turned to cold weeks ago.

But she felt no cold. Not now, with her head on his shoulder, her hand in his and his breathing so calm that she tried to concentrate on nothing but that.

„You're okay" Rafe nuzzled his cheek against her hair and gently stroked the spot of her pulse on her wrist. „I've got you."

Alice closed her eyes. Just for a moment, while she felt the panic in her chest finally release her lungs and she could breathe in again.

A deep breath filled with his warm scent, which fought its way down to her heart and made her grip his shirt tighter.

To make him stay longer. To stop him from leaving her.

Because as the panic insider her chest started to fade, reality slowly came back to Alice.