Love, Drugs and Destruction

37. I am sorry

I woke up the next morning feeling better than yesterday. I brushed my teeth and grabbed a hoodie; Rafe must have left already. I walked to the kitchen, feeling hungry, when I heard voices. I stopped just outside the kitchen hiding behind the wall. "She is not doing well; you guys shouldn't have come here." I hear Rafe and I frown. "I have to see her, man; she is like my sister, and knowing she is going through this is killing me." My breath hitched hearing JJ, and a lump formed in my throat.

"Are you not going to work?" I hear Sarah and I frown, "No, I cannot leave her alone. You should have seen her last night." Rafe says, and I can hear the worry in his voice. I decided to make my presents known, and I stepped out from behind the wall. Rafe was the first one to see me, and he smiled, which made the others turn around to look at me. I can see the look in their eyes.

That is the look of pity, and I am not stupid. It's because I look like shit. I have lost weight and I had dark circles around my eyes. "Lia." JJ was the first to speak, and my eyes finally met his. "Hi," I barely whisper, walking to stand next to Rafe, and he puts his arm around my shoulders. "How are you feeling?" Rafe asks, kissing my head, and I smile. "Better." I see the look JJ and Sarah exchange and I ignore them.

"How have you been?" Sarah asks, and I turn to the fridge to get myself some orange juice. "I've been better,"  I say and she nods. "Are you hungry?" JJ asks, pointing to a container. "Kie made me bring your favorite from the wreck, the famous almond pancakes." He said, rubbing the back of his neck, and I gave him a small smile. "Thank Kie for me," I say and he nods.

There was an awkward silence between all of us, and Rafe cleared his throat. "Okay, well, you guys came here for a reason, so tell Lia your reason." He says, looking at Sarah and JJ. JJ was the first one to speak. "Lia, I am so sorry; I did not know it was so bad, and if I had known, I would not have pushed you into a corner like we did." He says, and I nod. "And I just want to know why Lia, what went wrong so bad in your life?" He asks, and I look at my hands. I feel Rafe tense next to me.

"It doesn't matter. All that matters is that I get better right now." I say, and he looks from me to Rafe, and he nods. "Fine, you do not need to tell me." He says, and I sigh. "I don't have the energy to fight JJ, so you accept my answer or just leave," I say; he nods, rubbing the back of his neck. "Are you in pain Lia?" Sarah spoke for the first time, and I ran my hands through my hair. "A little bit." I lie, I was in a lot of pain; just to walk was a challenge.

"Are you taking something for the pain?" She asks, and I shake my head. "No, I tried giving her something, but she refused, "Rafe says, and she nods. "Where are Kie, Pope, and John B?" I ask, sitting down on one of the bar chairs. "Kie and Pope are working, and John B didn't want to overwhelm you ." She says, and I nod. It was quiet again, and I could feel everyone looking at me.

"What? Stop staring fuck, I am still the same Lia I am just a little messed up right now, but I will be fine. So please stop staring like I am dying." I snap, standing up; without another word, I leave the kitchen, walking to the room and to the balcony. I stood at the railing taking deep breaths to calm myself. Watching the water and wishing I could be surfing right now.

I see out of the corner of my eye JJ coming to stand with me. He lights a cigarette, and I watch him take a drag, blowing out the smoke. "Can I have one?" I ask, and he looks at me in surprise. He nodded, giving me the one he was busy with. I took a drag, and the nicotine filled my lungs. Fuck that feels good. "How are you really cupcake?" JJ asks, and I look at him. He had always been able to know if I was lying.

I took another drag and then gave the cigarette back to him. "I feel like shit, everything hurts and I have never puked so much in my life," I say, and he nods; I can see the concern in his eyes. "You have lost a lot of weight." He says, and I nod. "It's because I cannot eat, and if I do eat, it just comes out again. The anger and shakes I have are the worst; I cannot control my anger, and I get irritated fast." I admit, and he moves closer, seeing the tears in my eyes.

He wraps his arms around me, pulling me into a hug, and I lay my head on his chest. "I have fucking missed touching and talking to you," JJ says, kissing my head, and I wipe a tear. "I missed you too, J." I finally say and he kisses my head again. We have moved to the sofas and JJ was telling me all they have been up to. I giggle at his stories feeling somewhat normal again. I am just thankful he hasn't asked about the drugs again.

Rafe and Sarah came in with what looked like sandwiches and juice, and I frowned; why was everyone trying to feed me? Rafe smiled at me and sat down next to me, taking my hand. "We made food," Sarah says, and I nod, JJ already grabbing some. "Eat baby," Rafe whispers, giving me a sandwich, and I sigh, taking a small bite. Sarah smiled, seeing me eat, and she also started eating. "Why don't you let the others know you guys are here? Then you can spend the day here with Lia." Rafe says

I look at him in surprise, and so does JJ. "Okay, I will phone John B," Sarah says, standing up, and JJ says he is going to tell Kie and Pope. I put the sandwich, which I haven't eaten back down, turning to Rafe. "What?" He asks, taking my hand, and I shrug. "Will you survive a house full of pogues?" I tease, and he smiles. "I don't know. As long as they don't steal my shit, we will be fine." "Don't worry, dude. I already looked you have nothing of value, so I won't steal anything, maybe just Lia. She is the most valuable thing you have," JJ says, winking at me, and I laugh.

"You can rather take my things just leave Lia." Rafe plays along, and I giggle; it was weird seeing them interact like this. I excused myself to the bathroom; I washed my hands when I heard Rafe's phone getting one message after another. I pick up the phone to take it to him when it lights up with another message. I gasped, seeing the name, and I read the message. My hands were shaking, and I felt the vomit push up in my throat; I threw the phone on the bed and ran to the bathroom.

I lay with my head in my arms sobbing because of what I read and because I have nothing to vomit. How could he? How could I have thought he had changed so much and that he meant every word he said? I decided to just have fun with my friends for the day and not let Rafe know what I saw. I stood up and splashed some water on my face, and then left. I walk outside. "You okay?" Rafe asks, and I nod. "Your phone is going crazy in the room, " I say, not looking at him, and he frowns, standing up.

"So John B is on his way and Kie and Pope will be here as soon as they are done," Sarah says, and I nod; my head was with the message, and I just wanted to go home.

So what do we think, what did Lia read? Any thoughts?