With flying colours

Caught yet again.

3 weeks later
Recently my life has been feeling like a lie,
I feel like I barely spend any time with people I love dearly.
I feel like I lie to them about everything.
I feel like a failure.
I can't tell them how I feel though because max will get worried again, like he did a while back.
He's only just started loosening up with me and letting me do things.

I don't think I should be here, one small thing turned into something massive and changed my whole life.
I love Lando so much, he's my person in the entire world, he makes everything better but I hide things from him so he doesn't leave me.

I Never told him Hayden showed up that day.
I started smoking again, being high keeps me calm and makes the pain feel numb, it's better than hurting myself again and having to hide it from everyone For weeks.
I started drinking again, it makes me happy.

I haven't told anyone about any of this, everytime I leave the house I come home either high or drunk. I haven't been caught but I don't want to live like this anymore.
I want my old life back.
Back when my brother, father and mother were alive, back when we were actually a family.
Back when I wasn't adopted, back when I didn't have a new life I had to adapt to.

Going to races every weekend, people will kill to be me. But it's draining, I may sound ungrateful but it's so hard.
My life being public to the world, my every move is watched unless I manage to sneak past everyone into a hidden place I found just on the outside of the city.

————————————————————————

I put my headphone in and start walking to my new favourite place, the place that's hidden from the world.
I light the thing that numbs me, and take a drag.
Before I knew it, I had the whole thing.
My head spinning, everything slower than it actually is. But my emotions gone, I'm calm, no thoughts going through my head.

The music blasting in my ears as I walk home, through the door and a lot of people are there.
More than usual.
The all turn as fast as they can and run at me as soon as they see it's me who walked through the door.
I fucking forgot to tell max I was going out.

Everyone eventually heads home while I'm sat in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about random things like how to planes get up in the air and stay there.

Max walks in and comes over and just hugs me.

"I was so worried about you, where were you?"
He says staring at me slowly examining my face.
Can he tell I'm high?
"Just out" I reply, I have to keep it short or my words will slur and he will surely know I'm high then.

"Have you been crying? Why are your eyes so red?" shit. He's fucking noticed what do I do?

I sit there and just stare at him.
"Smile for me." He says. I do it with no questioning.

"Your fucking high. Why the fuck are you high"
I May or may not have just brought this upon myself because of my smile.
"No I'm not. Got any proof?" I say slightly laughing.
Max just takes a photo and shows it me.
Fuck, my pupils aren't growing or shrinking with the flash. He actually has proof now.
I'm caught all because of one tiny mistake I made, not telling max I'm going out.
Now he's not going to let me out of his sight ever again.

Instead he just hugs me and tells me he loves me and he's sorry.
That's not the reaction I expected off of him.
I was expecting him to scream at me and shout.
Maybe even hit like my birth father when he figured out I was high.

In that moment, all my emotion came out. And I felt like a kid again.
"I'm sorry dad, I promise I'll never do it again, I love you so so much"
This was one of the only times I ever called max my dad.
He decides to not tell anyone, he will let me decide who gets told. This was private and will stay private. Especially to paparazzi and the news.