𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑮𝒊𝒓𝒍 𝑰 𝑪𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝑵𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝑯𝒂𝒗𝒆 [𝕘𝕚𝕪𝕦𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕠] (KNY)

𝒞𝒽𝒶𝓅𝓉𝑒𝓇 𝟦𝟤: 𝒯𝒽𝑜𝓊𝑔𝒽𝓉𝓈 𝒾𝓃 𝐻𝒾𝓈 𝐻𝑒𝒶𝒹

Giyu POV: 

The days went by slower than I thought they would. People said that time went by faster when you were having a good time, and I thought the time I was having at the Butterfly Mansion was relatively good if you think of the situation I'm in. 

The staff were all friendly, kind and helpful. My room was comfortable and the food was amazing. I didn't mind the injections and medicine, and my body was quickly on the recovery. 

Something in me had changed. The initial pain and depression I'd felt after Makomo's death was still there, but faint and numb. My near-death experience had changed something in my perspectives and thoughts. 

I couldn't figure out my feelings for Shinobu yet. A part of me could never truly forgive her, not after what she'd done. Though I'd always believed that I loved her, we'd been through a lot. Our relationship had been tested in ways I never thought it would be. 

Although, did we ever have a relationship in the first place? We barely had a friendship. After all that had happened, I now had a hard time why I even loved her. I guess it was something about instinct, some sort of connection that I felt. She was magnetic to me. Like if I could have her, it would fix all the things wrong with me. 

But now, that's the only reason I can think of that I loved her. If I count all the things she'd done wrong, I wouldn't have enough fingers. 

That argument during the mission, abandoning me, causing me to get an almost fatal injury. Rejecting me even after what I'd done for her. Getting drunk and used and telling a serial killer to kill Makomo. Causing my best friend's death. That leading me to go on an impulsive trip that led to me getting a deadly disease. 

Was she worth it anymore? 

I gritted my teeth, trying hard to get rid of these thoughts. If I ever truly loved her, there shouldn't be a question. Of course she was worth it. But... 

But I simply didn't know if I had any more forgiveness left in me. 

Shinobu POV: 

I continued everyday on my duties, working as hard as I could push myself to. Working was my new coping method to get rid of the swirling thoughts in my head. 

There was a gaping hole in my chest and I felt it's presence everyday. Depression. Anxiety. You couldn't put a label on it. 

I just hated myself so much. Some days I genuinely wanted to die. All those mistakes I had made, nothing I did could ever make up for them. Somehow, I'd forgotten all my morals and allowed myself to turn into a person my sisters and parents would despise. Someone that wasn't even me, but somehow at the same time was exactly me. 

The things I'd done were unforgivable, and I didn't expect anyone to forgive me. I had been a horrible, selfish person, constantly causing hurt to Giyu. 

Giyu, Giyu. He was innocent, kind, sweet. An angel from heaven, but all I'd done was push him away and hurt him. Constantly. Hurting. Him. 

Kanae barely talked to me these days. She knew everything that had happened, and I could see in her eyes (though she wouldn't ever voice it out loud) that she was so disappointed in me. Some days she couldn't even meet my eyes. And I couldn't fucking blame her. 

Everyday I woke up and did my work. Helping people recover. Working on new medicines. Doing recovery regimes with patients. But everything I did felt forced, heavy, dull. Everything was dark. My eyes were bleary and head heavy with the thoughts that ran in circles in my head. 

Heavy, dark, tangled thoughts. 

All leading to that one question: Can I be saved? 

Who would want to save me? Why can't I save myself? What is there to be saved? I am no longer a person. The things I have done are not things that people do. They're just... inhumane. 

I feel empty. 

But that's selfish. 

A/N: ty for 10k views! i've done some editing to my plan, so maybe this book will turn out a bit different than what i'd originally foreshadowed.