Air Conditioning

It Rings

When I look at my hair in the mirror sometimes,

It twists like tendrils and looks nearly alive,

Pices being drawn together into winding, swirling things,

And for some reason, the thought in my head is always that you would have loved to see it.

And when I hear my own voice, wild with disbelief and disgust yet humor at work as something unbelievably gross happens (the hotdog water was soy sauce brown when we drained it tonight),

My voice is so much more what I wish you could have gotten a chance to hear.

And when I think about how my boyfriend has more right wing ideologies than me,

I wonder about things, and what could have been.

It's a bittersweet thing, what could have been,

But its nice to think about how I could have forced you to watch let's plays with me and you would have liked it (instead of calling Jack stupid for not noticing things, leave the funny Irish man alone for Christ's sake).

Or how we could gush over Imogen Heap and I could complain that I'd never found them despite loving the song A New Kind Of Love.

And maybe I'd have someone who would have loved to watch Wild Robot with me, a movie directed by the same people who directed How to Train your Dragon, instead of a boyfriend who says 'I don't really want to watch that movie'.

Someone who inspires me to learn the inner workings of my new voice,

Who will support me in my changes and fight for my rights as a person.

Someone who would fight for me to be included in their family despite the hardships I've caused or any differing opinions about my identity.

It's bittersweet.

I know we'd argue, you and I, plenty,

But maybe I wouldn't have to feel guilty for it. Maybe I'd be able to accept it as part of who we are.

Maybes, maybes, what ifs, and driving through your neighborhood,

Planning on going to ren fest and feeling odd about how it will never be as good as last year was.

I miss you, plain and simple,

I miss talking to you, sharing things with you and getting to hear back from you without longing to know what you're up to but being unable to ask.

Sometimes my heart rings out,

It asks you from afar "Will you write to me? Will you include me in your life despite the distance? Can you tell me more about all the things I can't ever see?

"You're changing so much, and I'm not there to see it any more. You know I'm still the same as ever, so if you please,

"Tell me more about the things I would otherwise never know. And tell me soon, please,

"Because another day without word from you makes my heart ache,

"And I assume you must feel the same without word from me, despite my boring life."