Air Conditioning

Failure.

It hurts, to feel the sting of cold defeat,
From an old enemy one so badly wishes to concour.

Ever since I was a child, it's hung over me,
For all to see and judge,
Especially myself, when I glance into a mirror.

Now, especially, I find myself wishing.

Wishing for harder, sharper edges,
Over softer, kinder curves.

I already growl, and bite, and love in my own way,
And I wish my body was lithe with strength,
Instead of soft with weakness.

Weakness that goes beyond the plush skin covering my biggest insecurity,
But deep into my mind as well.

It tends to be that way, when your biggest insecurity is both tought and reinforced by your own identity.

Someone with natural testosterone would be bullied, teased, and perhaps tormented for my biggest insecurity.

It's only my hormones placed upon me at birth that I escape those looks and glances and harsh words.

I hate it. I hate being weak,
But a weakness that goes beyond the meager strength of this body,
But the will of my mind-

Why am I willing to suffer for anyone but myself?

I've contemplated it, the whole 'starve yourself' thing. Even tried it.

I never last, and I feel all the worse when I want to cry at the thought of eating.

If I think about it too much, anything becomes unappetizing. I'm tired of feeling that way.

And I failed, and invested so much money into something with hope and prayer that I'd be able to do it, to succeed in it. And I can't.

I was supposed to have support, but I don't, and the childish part of me is wounded, holding a stinging grudge, and it's those conflicting emotions that brought me to tears today.

It still makes me want to cry.

Why did I even bother trying? Did I think having someone who genuinely cares would change it? All of the money I put into my health in a false hope for success, finally, over an old foe, could have been saved for my future instead.

Why did I even try? Why did I trust he would try? The moment I stopped he didn't even attempt to help me. Why? Why am I always alone in this? Why?

And I have someone who could help, but I don't, at the same time, because he can't either and there's no point in trying anymore. None at all. It's pointless.

I hate feeling like I wasted so much time and effort to fall to the same fate and how dare I have any hope at all?

I don't want to think about it anymore.