Air Conditioning

feelings

Fuck metaphors...

You cannot dream of understanding the depth of my turmoil,
Even though I desperately wish you could.

You're an autoimmune disorder.

My body, heart, and something deeper that I'm afraid to consider is hungry, ravenous, and it's tearing me apart.

My mind is a foreign body, something thats been torn to shreds and sewn back together countless times,
And you...

You're the latest cause.

My mind used to be sickly at the thought, disgusted at the feeling, terrified of the meaning, of loving someone that wasn't him.

Until he tore it apart and made it rewire itself, changing the fundamental connections, until not only was the idea of loving more than one person no longer disgusting, but appealing.

It took some getting used to, considering the idea and its applications. It was never truly out of a personal interest, more out of a necessity.

Without him, I would break. Self-destruct. I would be nothing but a patchwork mural on the walls, painted red, or a beautiful braid.

And yet, whenever I brought up the idea to him, the one I had tore my brain apart and completely restrung it in order to even make it a possibility, he was mad at me.

The person who left me to be with someone else, knowing that I would never let it happen, knowing how much it would hurt me, yet still choosing someone else over me...

Begged to have me back...

And then got upset at me when I offered to let him have both of the people he wanted.

My intense devotion to him was a driver for a lot of change within my life. Through trauma and fire, my entire being has been reshaped.

He was the reason I pushed you away, rather the indentations of his fingerprints upon my soul,

And it was out of desperation to keep him, a willingness to change a fundamental part of myself, to twist that fierce devotion into an all-consuming desire, that loyalty to one and only one into a desire to do anything to keep him. Even if it meant moving with the torrents that made me sick in the past. Even if it meant making myself love someone more than just him.

His response to me reworking an entire area of myself permanently was disgust.

And it was out of my devotion, my fear of loss, that I pushed you away. Later, it was the very same fear of loss that led me to shift a fundamental part of my being. And now, that fundamental shift is the very same reason I am tearing myself apart again.

The shift from monogamous to polyamorous was a rocky one studded with trauma and scars.

And yet, it's a part of me now. Deep, unrelenting - my body aches to give you what no one else can. My heart aches to love you in ways you need and want, to help you grow in a way that's impossible from a friendly perspective.

And my heart and my body are destroying my mind, which is trying to tear itself apart and rework itself again into a prettier monogamous picture.

Because it hurts to love two people so much, and have one of them so vehemently against the idea that he refuses to even think of it for more than a moment.

It's tearing me apart. But I'll stitch myself together again. No matter the cost.