Air Conditioning

Yap Yap.

I'm mourning you like one mourns a drug addict parent,

And the stages of grief are hard.

Some days I miss you so much I resent you for ever being in my life.

I blame you for the hurt, for the numbness, for my dissatisfaction in my own relationship,

I blame you for my woes and sorrows as I think to myself "I should be further ahead by now, to be something he would be proud of", and "why are you letting yourself and him down again?"

And then other days I just miss you enough for it to shine in my mind, bring tears to my eyes, and I remember how everything you said made me laugh and how it felt like you perfectly tailored your quips and lines to me, a beautiful ribbon wrapped around my psyche that would just bring joy, so much laughter.

I hated my laugh then, but I like it a lot more now, and I wish you could hear it,

Its just so much more what I wanted it to be. I feel like a kid who can actually enjoy laughter in a different way than before. Like when I laugh, I love the sound instead of hating how stupid I felt for feeling joy.

And some days, thinking of you makes me feel sick,

Because yes, there is a possibility that if I had chosen you things would have been perfect,

But you and I did argue a lot more than I do now, we're both just so bullheaded and stubborn and passionate about what we believe in.

Another friend of mine was going to kill themselves recently, because they broke up with their girlfriend and they couldn't handle the grief, the loss,

And I kept a level head.

I made jokes, made them laugh even if the joy wasn't all there,

About how it wasn't the first time within a year that a friend had tried to kill themselves and called me.

And I don't know what about it is just. Crazy to me.

Life is just so crazy. I just keep rolling with the punches.

I feel like you never had someone truly love you for who you are,

And I know sometimes my laughter would shock and confuse you,

As if wondering how I found your dumb jokes funny.

I don't know how many of them were made for me,

I don't know how many of them were accidental "hits", ones that made me guffaw or chuckle.

It's crazy to me that you claim I'm a "lady killer" when I literally scoured my mind and can't think of one replicable action I may have made for you to copy or reference.

But hey, I guess if it's working for you it must be true.

I have so many questions I want to ask you,

And I type them out sometimes yet you never answer them directly.

I ask how school is and you tell me about the people you've met,

I ask about dorm life and you tell me about a situationship,

By the way, I know of a Deena who is toxic and a terrible person, so fear of that being who you're talking to is like, woof. I doubt it though.

Part of me wants to just write like it's a letter and I'm expecting one back,

I tend to do that lately, but not truly,

Because I can't expect it to be a conversation.

That's not what it really is.

...

I hope you're doing well.