Air Conditioning

Roiling

Why is it that when I need my feelings most they flutter off into a hole somewhere, die, rot, and turn to a smell on the air that twists my face, scrunches my nose, pains my head and makes me want to tear my face off?

Why is it that I'm trying so hard, doing my best, by all means succeeding in doing exactly what I'm supposed to do, exactly what I said I would,

Yet I'm jealous of someone in a fucking fan fiction I'm reading because he's going to therapy,

Why is it that I feel so fucking tired of everything? I feel like no matter what step I take I'm moving towards a cliff and the closer I get the more I think to myself 'what would it be like if I just jumped?'

I'm already a slimeball of a fucking person, as I've been hearing in my head over and over and over and over and over and over and over and it never fucking stops and I'm so fucking tired of it.

I fucked up bad, Sol, letting myself do the things I did with y'all, because god, I want to hurt myself more and more all the time and I'm spiralling and I know it.

Every step I take closer to the cliff face is one where I want to take the plunge just a bit more,

Tell him of my sins and watch him leave like I deserve,

Surrender myself to a fate of mediocrity until I end it all,

Because what else is there to do?

These thoughts will keep popping up in my head and spinning around like I'm spiralling drain, and I don't know what to do with them.

Every time I text you, every time I think of you, and I love you and it hurts and now my brain is associating pain with you, and I'm tired of feeling it and why, why, why do I ruin every good thing in my life?

I feel sick when I touch you and it's not your fault, I have to remind myself to smile when I see you and it's not your fault, I feel my skin crawl when I think of you looking at me and it's not your fault,

I. Ruin. Everything.

What is wrong with me?

Why do I have to ruin it all, all the fucking time?

Why can't I just be happy? Why do I have to hate myself so much that it fucking rubs off?

I can't keep going like this, but I'm so fucking scared of the consequences of this confession bubbling from my lips with a viscosity that akins it to gushing roaring blood from the arteries of my sliced throat,

You are going to work with me and I want so so so so so so so badly to want that, to be happy about it, but why is it hurting so goddamn bad?

Why am I so fucking scared? Why do I feel like this will make it all fall apart?

Why am I so fucking terrified?

I can't escape this fear, trust me, I want to, and it's fucking paralyzing.

There is fact in this statement even if you don't like to hear it, Sol,

I am a broken person. Everyone who loves me deserves better than me.

If you were to describe me and all my flaws to someone, and then say "would you date them?" No one in their right mind would say yes.

Oh but you're doing your best, the voice in my head far to quiet says, you're working more and now you're taking EMT classes! You signed up for them on your own, you asked for help paying for them, you're learning to manage your time. You get to move out soon, and you'll get to be with Ian more, and-

And that's when it's squashed under the boots of my all consuming guilt.

Any future I wanted is now tainted with it,

Any hope I had that maybe, just maybe I deserve one good thing, one good person is gone.

I don't deserve him.

I don't deserve you.

I don't deserve anyone.

Everyone deserves better than me.

And I'm tired, tired, tired of pretending they don't,

And every step I take towards the cliff there's a deranged part of me that says tell him the truth, watch him leave you like the fuck up you know you are, watch as you get what you deserve.

There's no structure to these thoughts, Sol, they just keep going and they're endless,

I could keep writing them but it's pointless,

I could never, ever run out of thoughts to say on this subject.

Which is why I'll stop while I'm ahead.