Air Conditioning

Dear Sol,

I don't normally struggle to put my thoughts down onto paper.

I feel as though I am outside of myself, seeing myself from another point of view lately.

I want to smile and be happy, in the moment with you and everyone else,
But then I'm reminded of things I'd rather forget, and I'm kicked out of my own body again.

I'm going to be losing you.

The thought kicks me out of my body,
And being out of my body disconnects me from myself.

Logically, I know I should be spending every moment I can with you before you go.

Illogically, I want to bury myself in things I know I won't lose, find new friendships and fill a void that I know is soon to form in my heart,

And, ironically, that means I am pushing you out of your space in it early.

But I'm so detached from the feelings,

It feels like I can't understand or empathize, and that's always something I've considered myself to be adept at,
So it's a little concerning that I find myself suddenly incapable.

I want to be there for you, to help you get your thoughts on the situation out,
But I know I can't be there for long, and I know you won't have me in direct contact soon. It becomes a battle, and the side that wonders "what's the point?" Has won.

I'm going to miss you, sunshine, and it hurts like you wouldn't believe,

But I can't pull it to the surface, so instead it boils beneath, waiting for an excuse to bubble up.

I've been so snappish, easy to upset, overwhelmed, exhausted.

It's hard to cope with. Unbelievably so.

So I tend to ignore it, both consciously and unconsciously,

And delve into the things that will persist even after you're gone.

I wish the best for you,

You will grow into more than you can ever imagine,

You will be happy again.

I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed from me.