Air Conditioning

lacking

Fuck metaphors.

I was robbed of something no one should ever be robbed of.

Never will I know a loving parent who knows me.

As a child I should have never had to wonder if my parents would ever drop dead from the poison they drank,

He from the cigarettes he smoked.

I should have never been the one constantly reaching out for something,

Anything,

Someone to share something with me. An emotional bond. A common factor.

Yet even now my parents blame me.

"You were always in your room, on your phone. You only came down to eat or go to school. You never tried to be around us or talk to us."

My depression was at it's worst, and instead of reaching out to your child, you let them shove themselves away for years. No friends besides the ones online. No one supporting them where they were, seeing them outside of school.

Only one friend, later down the line. On a good day, when I was feeling social, and the world decided to bless me with a best friend for years to come.

But that day hadn't come for years, years locked in my room without you reaching out. Years of being raised by the internet. 'Brainwashed' as you would say.

"Any time we tried it never worked. It seemed you just wanted to be locked away."

I did! That's the problem. That's the thing about depression: it screams at you not to waste your energy. Not to talk to people, not to do things, not to function like a normal person because that takes energy.

You let it take control of me. Ask any psychiatrist and they say the only way to fight depression is to fight the urge to stay inside, save energy. And in order to help someone do that, sometimes it takes some forcing.

Maybe it would have helped if you did. Maybe it wouldn't have. But we'll never know because you never did, and you never ever thought 'maybe we should get them some help'.

Not until you saw my scars.

They never had to happen, in another world.

But that's besides the point.

My point is, while you never ever try to reach out to me, you blame me for the relationship we have.

You constantly, constantly make me feel bad on purpose by overshadowing me no matter how hard I try.

Its always something like this.

"I worked eight hours today, and here I am."
--- "I shouldn't even have to do this because I work harder than you, but I still am. Why are you complaining?"

"You don't have to throw a fit" "You can never take no for an answer" "You always have to argue" "You always have to be a smart ass" "You always have to have an attitude"
---"You always have to fight me on everything, and I wish you'd just listen and obey and be 'respectful', but you always prove yourself right instead of letting me think I am"

I never mean to have an attitude. I fight for what I believe. I search for evidence, proof, things of the sort. You hate it, because I almost always prove you wrong.

And no, I never take no for an answer, because I almost never ask for anything, so why is it that when I do I am refused?

I never ask for anything crazy. Just permission to exist places or buy things. Never anything unreasonable. I'm careful of it.

Yet when I ask for anything, anything at all, it's pulling teeth.

Why?

I will never have a parent that will look at me and say 'im proud of the person you've become'.

Only 'im proud of your accomplishments.'

And when they miss me,

It will never be me,

More like me as a child,

Remembrances of their lives when they were closer to happiness.

Never anything about me.

They don't know me,

They don't like me,

And they aren't proud of who I am.

And I was robbed of something no kid should be robbed of.

A proper family.