Air Conditioning

The World, pt. 2

The bad days are the ones I feel the weight,
When the static plays with my ears and I play the game of
"Will I break down, or will I deny the truth?"

If I deny the truth one moment longer,
Hold onto hope just a bit more,
Then I can escape my tears and the crushing weight.

But I can only deny it for so long until my problems and the complexities of life chase me.

There will never be simplicity in the life I lead,
And I'm still questioning where to go with it.

Each day I'm doubting myself more,
Wondering if I can keep going,
If I have the strength.

I'm newly eighteen and I need to get a therapist, really, and it shouldn't be too hard anymore. Maybe I can get gender affirming therapy online so I'm less limited by my area.

But there's always the whispers of a weight on my shoulders, the feeling of my arms and their crushing pain that I ignore.

I do my best to shove it out of my mind and refuse it rather than deal with it, Because every second those flood gates are opened is another inch of water climbing up my body and threatening to grasp at my throat until I'm drowning.

Life is so unbearably hard, so unbearably complicated, so unbearably rigged against people, against our generation.

Be born into wealth or spend your whole life chasing it.

And on top of the crushing weight of our inevitable reckoning,

I fell asleep. I wrote this at two am and fell asleep.

I wonder what I was thinking just then?

Its all true though. The world is an unfortunate, terrible place that's made by design to suit those more fortunate and exploit those less so.

It doesn't end with you, it doesn't end with your parents, it doesn't end with your state, it doesn't end with your nation.

The world itself is in this pyramid scheme of manipulation and the top 10%. To be reading this makes you luckier than you could ever believe.

And yet all of us, myself included, are so terribly self centered that we don't try and do anything. We believe we are incapable of making a difference.

We must band together, and yet we won't. Everyone has their reason, but it all leads to one thing: "I have other things I need to do, otherwise I will go nowhere."

To go nowhere is to die. To spend a moment doing anything besides participating in the system this world has trapped us in is to spend a moment inching towards a demise at the hands of a problem much bigger than anyone can face.

We wait and play this game, we wait and never change, we wait for time to run out (for our planet to die) or for self destruction (nuclear planetary war).

We wait, and we live through life with the crushing burden of knowing and wishing we could do more but knowing that even if we could, we would struggle to make the decision to do so.

We wait, and we live, and we can't do anything else.

So you might as well do your best to enjoy it.