Air Conditioning

A day.

Wow, has today been one. Worst one I've had in awhile for the shittiest reasons.

Tell my grandma about 14 different times that I have a shift on Friday at 7 am. Tell her about 5 times the night before, and talk with my dad about how my mornings interrupt his and tell him I'll try to wake up early so I don't interrupt him. Accidentally lose track of time and stay up too late (0145), forget I have to wash my EMT uniform before the next morning because it's been in the hamper so it's full of wrinkles, set an alarm so I can switch the laundry (0430) and then go back to sleep while it dries until I need to wake up (0530).

I should have set multiple alarms.

Usually my grandma or my dad would have knocked, but she was too wasted to remember ANY of the times I told her and my dad accidentally woke up early himself and 'didn't think about it'. But in reality, those things really just sting over the guilt of oversleeping (0800).

Panic. Call every place to tell them I'll be late. Cat scratches the fuck out of me (not on purpose). He made a music cover. No time to listen, busy panicking.

Remember I haven't even switched the laundry. Decide to tell them it was a family emergency and cancel the EMT shift because they probably would make me do another one because I was late anyway, and I want to spend time with my forever.

Switch the laundry. Complain to my grandma about her drunkenness. Feel guilty for complaining.

Grind out some online coursework to feel less like a failure. He's off work now, he goes home to eat and I offer to play games for a bit before hanging out since I was doing that alone anyway.

We play games. His parents tell him to get ready. Turns out, he's going to the country tonight and didn't know. He thought he was going tomorrow. He didn't tell me he was going at all.

They're making a memorial for his loved one who passed away. A couple weeks ago he asked me if I would go with him because he wanted me there. I said of course I would, I'm off Saturdays. They had to reschedule. I said it's ok. I'm always off Saturdays.

He's has to leave to get ready now (0400).
Should I get ready too?
No.
Oh. I thought I was coming with?
It's okay. I'll be okay without you.
But I wanted to be there to support you and your family.
It's just gonna be family there.

Ouch. Okay. That hurts, accept it, move on, be lonely for the rest of the day.

It's Friday. Grandparents go out with a friend to eat. Dad asks me what I want. I offer to drive to jack in the box with him so we can listen to music together.

The other day we drove to the gas station together and we listened to music. It was nice. I wanted to do it again.

I don't feel like leaving the house, I'll just door dash it.
But we'll save money and we get to listen to music?
I don't want to leave. I've been driving all day (for work).
Is there anything I can offer to get you to spend time with your son (half jokingly)?
I just don't feel like leaving the house.
Are there any movies you've been wanting to see lately that we can watch together?
No, Blythe, I just want to chill at home.
I do mean at home.
Maybe, I don't know, we'll see.

Ouch. Okay. Accept it, move on.

The rest is petty, but after so many things piling, it just hurts.

Door dash doesn't have limited time items. I wanted a limited time item. Price is the same to another one I would also like, I tell my dad to get that one and I'll call the store. He assumes it would cost more to get something limited time and gets a more expensive thing I don't like. I call them. They don't answer. It's something he wouldn't like either. He assumed I would like it based on prior knowledge but this restaurant happens to make something I normally like shittily.

Everything piles onto me. Unwanted. Rejected. Sensitive.

Why are you crying over a fucking milkshake, Blythe?

Text Ian.

It helps a bit.

Grandma asks me where he is. We normally would have spent time together by now. I tell her. She asked why I didn't go with.

He said he wanted it to be family only.
Aren't you family?

Ouch. Fuck. That one really, really hurts.

Food's here. They purposely underfilled the fries and there's no whipped cream on the milkshake (dad decided to order one separately. I guess he could tell something else was going on.)

I'm letting it melt and get cold while I write this.

He uploaded again, and he wrote.

I get to listen to his voice while I cry over stupid, stupid things,

I get to read his writing and feel like my problems are so small compared to his,

I don't know if that's a comfort or a disquieting thing.

And now I'll share this.

Typing it out shows me how stupid I am for being so upset.

I'm going to eat now.