Air Conditioning

Things

Biting my cheeks until tears trickle from my eyes, disconnected from the pain.

Biting my cheeks until my teeth ache from the action, my jaw upset that I keep maneuvering it to try and reach new, unbitten skin.

My hair is long, but now the thought of cutting it is nearly gone, because at the ends lie a taste of you.

Zoning out more and more every day,

Drawing our symbol on the board at work,

Dreaming of your voice but forgetting what you said in the morning.

Cutting my nails into points,

Going to the gym for the first time,

My legs hurt so bad I have to brace myself for walking down the stairs after squats.

For days I ache,

But I make progress,

It's like if I don't I'm disappointing the memory of you.

I know you're disappointed already that I didn't do it before.

Why did it take me leaving for you to take some steps forward?

Because knowing you were leaving rid me of a lot of motivation.

Now I have some, because I don't want to disappoint the ghost lingering over my shoulder,

But my cheeks hurt,

And those tears happened,

And I emailed a therapist last night.

No response yet.

Till then my teeth will ache,

My cheeks will bleed,

And I'll reminece that the flavor of blue Powerade and blood mixed tastes a lot like pineapple.

And I'll consider mixing bleach and conditioner to do my ends so I may cut my hair,

And I'll take my shot tonight.

And I won't snap at anyone tomorrow and play it off as banter or humor,

And I won't feel like a failure for my lack of strength or progress.

(Though I know the last two stanzas are lies.)

And I wish you well,

And I'll see your eyes in the way the sun sets while I take out the trash,

And I'll wonder if you realize that the beauty you saw in me was your own reflected back at you through the grime at the bottom of the can.

I wish you well.