If I Lose Myself

Catalina

It has been a week since I have gotten out of the hospital, my dad has been watching me like a hawk. He doesn't let me go anywhere by myself anymore, either he has to come or someone else. This was what I have been trying to avoid from the start, it was not fair that he is treating me like a little kid. It's just cancer for god sakes. Yes, cancer is a bad thing but I am still alive and I guess doing well. After another heated conversation with my dad and a support group talk from Sammy, Bo, and Cam. I had agreed to finally get back on chemo.

It was just as I thought too.

I was tired most days and I didn't even want to get out of bed, Sammy has been coming over and helping me with my homework. She would read everything out loud and I would tell her what to write. Yeah, I know that is very lazy on my part but can you blame me? But I was sure glad that we had finished everything yesterday so that we can just hang out today. Bo and Cam were going to tag along as well, we were going to have a movie night here at my house. My dad had bought me a T.V for my room when I told him it was not necessary, he got me one anyways.

I was in the kitchen looking for something to eat when hands slip around my waist. Turning my head Bo caught my lips in his, I was taking back a little because I was expecting a hello first. When we pulled away he rested his chin on my shoulder so I took, this time, leaning back into him.

"How are you feeling today?" He asked placing a kiss on my temple.

How did I feel today? I relaxed more into his arms listening to my body. "Well I'm tired, a little hungry, and bored." He gave a little chuckle.

"What are you playing on eating?" He asked looking at the things I pulled out to eat. It was nothing too special just a simple carrot stick, fruit and a peanut and jelly sandwich with some milk.

"Would you like some?" I asked taking a bite of the sandwich then holding it out for him. He took a bite and then took a seat on the island with me.

From the corner of my eye, I can see him looking at me but I didn't look, I just focused on my food. This was a challenge for me to even eat this chemo has made me feel a little sick so sometimes I can't keep it down. But before I started to make my food I took the medication to help me with the nausea. Taking a few more bites I felt Bo move more closer, finally turning my head I met his eyes.

"What movies do you want to watch tonight?"

"I don't know, what kind do you want to watch?" I was game to watch any movie. It really didn't matter what we watch.

"I'll watch whatever you want to watch." A small laugh left me as I turned to finish eating. "What's so funny?"

"Are we going to do the, 'I don't know what you want to do today' thing?" I smiled down at the table. He laughed a little next to me resting his hands around my waist.

This was something new, Bo couldn't keep his hands off me it doesn't matter what we are doing, he has to have his hand on me. I think it is his reassurance to prove that I am still here and alive and somewhat well. When I finished eating he took my plate and put it in the skin and then led me to my room. Something felt different today and I could not put my finger on it. There was defiantly something on his mind but from what I am picking up on it doesn't feel bad. Laying on the bed Bo joined me and started to flip through the channels.

I was sprawled over him playing with the logo on his shirt well more just tracing it. I got to thinking, over the time I've known Bo he has been patient with me even when I tried to push him away. He has never pressured me into doing anything more than just kissing, but the day I let Bo finger me was the next level. I felt my cheeks heat up when I remembered how good it felt. Little butterflies started to form in my stomach when I got the urge to do more than letting him touch me. My finger froze just taking in what I was just thinking and that is when it hit me hard head on.