If I Lose Myself

Catalina

My eyes followed the little balls as they hit together on Dr. Hill's desk. I could never remember the name of this thing, the quiet room was filled with them knocking together. Dr. Hill has just been sitting in a chair next to me waiting for me to talk. I was grateful he was being patient with me, with that thought it made me frown. Why was everyone being patient with me? What if I want someone to smack me on the head to get back on the right track?

"What are you thinking about Catalina, what is going through your mind?" He asked calmly hold a pen to his notepad ready to write down what I say.

"Why is every one patient with me?" I started looking back to him. "I want someone to yell at me, to tell me to suck it up but yet again they are taking pity on me."

"What makes you think they are taking pity on you?" He said once he finished writing. "Aren't they just looking out for you?"

I look down at lap where my hands rested, I already knew they were just looking out for me. But could they do it without giving me pity? I just wanted them to see me as a normal girl, a girl without cancer and a girl who was never abused and raped.

Was that too much to ask?

"They treat me like a victim even when they think they are not," I whispered. "I don't want them to see me as the girl with cancer and a raped victim."

"Let's talk about the time you lived with your mother." My body tensed up at the mention of it. "When did everything start?"

I tapped my fingers on my knee while biting my nails on my other hand. "God I-I don't know...w-when my mom married Tim." I stuttered a bit.

"How old were you then?"

"About thirteen."

Tears started to form around my eyes thinking about that dark time in my life. I had never willingly gave this information up, I always had a very bad or heated conversation with myself. And I was drunk when I told Bo. When I told my dad I was an emotional mess. So for me to sit here and talk to him about what has happened in that house was hard.

"I know this is going to be hard to talk about, every rape victim has a hard time talking about their attack," He said handing me a tissue.

"It all started when my mom started working late," I stated. "At first, he would just hit me saying that I should learn my place in this world."

"And what place was that?"

"That girls should be slaves and do whatever the guy wanted, so when I refused he'd beat me raw," I whispered the last part. I always hated the beatings. I hated everything he did to me.

"Then what happened?" He asked watching me closely.

I shook my head wrapping my arms around my stomach. "I-I'm not ready to talk about it," I whispered using my hair to hide my face.

"Why did you want to die?" He asked changing the subject on me, which I was thankful for.

"I wanted to die because it seemed like fate wanted me to die as a teen. And because I didn't want to drag my dad and friends through this anymore." My eyebrows came together. "It was not fair to them."

"How did that make you feel?" I wanted to laugh at that line, I watched too much T.V. I should start doing something else with my time. Maybe paint more...I haven't painted in a long ass time. "Catalina." Dr. Hill's voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

"It made me feel powerful because once in my life I was making my own choice." I wanted to take my life into my hands. "All my life someone always told me what to do, Catalina do this, do that, you're a whore should be on her knees for the rest of your life." I snapped at the end and it made me feel a little bad. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to snap."